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In the United States, it is considered discriminatory to consider certain things about a candidate when hiring, unless that thing is actually relevant to that job. Specific to this question, a person's marital/parental status is one of these things.

Nonetheless, I heard something like the following in a job interview (from the HR person(!), before talking with the hiring manager): "We want employees who will be staying with our company a while and married people tend to do that. I don't see a wedding ring on your finger, and I know I am not supposed to ask this, but are you married or engaged?" I think my response was just to tell the interviewer my status and move on. However, I felt that was unsatisfactory. Can anyone suggest a better way of handling something like this so that I do not exclude myself from consideration?

IDrinkandIKnowThings
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GreenMatt
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    Report them (to their HR department? Local EEOC office? Not sure who should get the report). This person even knew they were asking a question that's out of bounds and they did it anyway. As for how to handle it in the interview, I would just say "that's not relevant to the position, and as you stated yourself it's not a question that I should be asked." That may torpedo the interview, but at that point I probably wouldn't want to work for someone so blatantly disregarding the law like that. – alroc Jan 16 '13 at 16:43
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    Curious as to what size company. Small, family owned, medium or large? – Steve Jan 16 '13 at 16:51
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    @kevincline, it is not specifically prohibited. However Pre-Employment Inquiries and Marital Status. – Steve Jan 16 '13 at 17:00
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    @Stephen: good find. Also many states and localities prohibit discrimination on marital status and sexual orientation. – kevin cline Jan 16 '13 at 17:03
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    As a hiring manager I'd have been raked over the coals by HR for asking. The legality of the question may vary, but it's generally accepted that you don't ask. – Steve Jan 16 '13 at 17:05
  • @Stephen: Small-medium company, privately held, but not "family owned" in the classic way. – GreenMatt Jan 16 '13 at 17:07
  • @JeffO, I'd agree with you 99% of the time on this, but with the comment that OP made about but not "family owned" in the classic way. leads me to think this might be a gay owned/friendly business and they were feeling the OP out. Either way the question is a no-no! – Steve Jan 16 '13 at 17:29
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    Lets keep the discussion to [Chat] – IDrinkandIKnowThings Jan 16 '13 at 17:29
  • @Stephen: Sorry, I may have misled you here. I just meant that there was a single-owner (who I didn't meet). To my knowledge, no other family members were (directly) involved in the business, thus I don't consider it family-owned. However with just one owner, I can see how some might. – GreenMatt Jan 16 '13 at 17:55
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    @Chad - I don't think you're factoring reverese discrimination cases. Under Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, employers may not discriminate based on race, sex, gender, religion, or national origin, irrespective of who the victim of discrimination might be. –  Jan 16 '13 at 18:25
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    @Chad IANAL, but I don't think you've got the whole story here. About a year ago there was a local "reverse" discrimination case around here (NY) that got upheld. I won't bother with filling the comments with a lengthy recitation of details...but I'd just recommend double checking your facts in this case. – Beska Jan 16 '13 at 18:46
  • @Beska - Maybe in NY. But the whole side topic is irrelevant to the question. – IDrinkandIKnowThings Jan 16 '13 at 19:12
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    @Chad I don't think it is irrelevant; it seems like the legality is pretty important. If something is clearly illegal to ask, and they ask it anyway, that tells you very different about a company than if they just ask something that seems slightly nosy, but is perfectly legal. – Beska Jan 16 '13 at 19:21
  • @Beska the question is not about does he have a discrimination claim or not. It is how does he answer the question so as not to blow the interview. – IDrinkandIKnowThings Jan 16 '13 at 19:35
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    The "I know I'm not supposed to ask" makes all the difference, because it clearly shows that this is not some innocent slip-up. If you're legally not supposed to ask, then, like, don't do it. I have the impression that this H.R. person may have been asked by someone in the company to try to gather that information, and feels uncomfortable doing it. I would say, "Eek, did someone pressure you into asking that of applicants? I will tell you anyway, but please inform that person that it is a poor idea which is not going unnoticed." – Kaz Jan 16 '13 at 22:14
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    They have ways of bypassing the direct question, and can instead ask "what does you wife think about you working in this location?" – Zombies Jan 18 '13 at 06:31
  • There is no such thing as inappropriate question. If bosses have concern, ask now before too late. – user4951 Apr 02 '13 at 12:28
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    @JimThio: I don't understand your comment. Perhaps you're quoting the old platitude which doesn't really apply here. Or perhaps you commented without actually reading the full question? This potential employer asked a question that was irrelevant to my ability to do the job and would most likely be used to discriminate against me illegally. Unfortunately, it seemed that any possible response in the situation would have negative consequences. – GreenMatt Apr 02 '13 at 12:52
  • So what if he wants to discriminate anyone for any reason? It's his business. Why would I want to work for someone that doesn't want to hire me? – user4951 Apr 02 '13 at 13:01
  • You think it's irrelevant. Government think it's irrelevant. Well guess what? the businessman may think it's relevant and most likely it's right. Imagine if all sellers can blame customers for discriminating based on what SELLER think is irrelevant? – user4951 Apr 02 '13 at 13:02
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    @JimThio: It seems you have some sort of gripe you want to make, but this isn't the proper place. – GreenMatt Apr 02 '13 at 13:21
  • Seriously, why do you want to work for people that does not want you anyway? I know it's hard to be a businessman with all those regulations. – user4951 Apr 02 '13 at 13:25
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    @JimThio: As I already commented elsewhere, the company had me talk to the HR person before the hiring manager, and at the point this question was asked, I didn't know if I was dealing with a single rogue HR person or an undesirable company. I still wanted to meet the hiring manager and learn more. – GreenMatt Apr 02 '13 at 13:30
  • Oh in that case you should talk to the HR's boss then. That being said HR people does have concern with people coming and going. In stats they trust I guess. – user4951 Apr 02 '13 at 14:14
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    Walk away from THE FIRM. – Erik Reppen Jun 04 '13 at 23:37
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    @GreenMatt: As far as I know, in Germany it is entirely legally to lie to such an illegal question. And after getting the job, they cannot hold that kind of lie against you. For example if you are a woman and you are asked if you are pregnant, the answer is "no" whatever your status is and they'll have to pay you all the benefits required when the baby arrives five months later. (Obviously telling the truth or saying that the question is illegal would both be held against you). – gnasher729 Nov 24 '14 at 19:13
  • 'If you're not supposed to ask, I don't need to answer that.' – user207421 Feb 09 '17 at 01:05
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    A clever HR interviewer would ask the question as part of the chit-chat. It happened that before the real interview I was on a chillout chat and the conversation got like HR:"We work in the same district, we should have already crossed eyes at lunch". Me:"Definitely not, I normally bring my own food to work", thus revealing some of my attitudes. I just hope that either bringing home food or going everyday to a restaurant is not used for discriminatory purposes. Asking about the ring and telling about people who would stay is a bad move to my eyes, any pro wouldn't have done such mistake – usr-local-ΕΨΗΕΛΩΝ Feb 10 '17 at 12:42
  • If you don't get the job but don't want to bother with legal stuff, at least post it on Glassdoor so others will know the kind of interviewing they're likely to experience. – mxyzplk Oct 15 '17 at 14:20
  • I'm sure I would not get that job, because I'd be unable to restrain myself from saying "you just said you're not supposed to ask that question, so I'm confused about why you are asking that question." – PoloHoleSet Oct 20 '17 at 14:36
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    The irony here is that every job I’ve quit, I probably would have stayed at longer if my wife hadn’t encouraged me to look for another. – Paul Oct 20 '17 at 22:37

8 Answers8

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Can anyone suggest a better way of handling something like this so that I do not exclude myself from consideration?

An easy way is to deflect questions like this is asking clarification or simply answering their concerns without the specific question.

We want employees who will be staying with our company a while and married people tend to do that. I don't see a wedding ring on your finger, and I know I am not supposed to ask this, but are you married or engaged?

Answering directly this part of the question would be most appropriate. Something like:

  • "I have remained with my previous company for XX years as you can see from my resume. I have no problems committing to a single company for an extended period of time"
  • "I take care to separate my personal and professional life, but I can assure you I intend to stay with your company regardless as to my marital status"
  • "I think can address your concerns by the following: ..."

The point is to not jump to a hostile reply (assuming you still want to be in consideration for this position).

I suspect this will satisfy most interviewers.

People being interviewed think "oh no, going to torpedo my chances if I don't answer directly!!!!!" when in all reality, the HR person probably hardly cares if they get the feeling you aren't going to bail after 6 months.

Note that it's not necessarily against the law (in the USA at least) to ask this question according to this. However, it is against the law to discriminate using marital information which is why this question is very, very dumb to ask as an employer interviewing candidates.

Disclaimer: real answer ends here. Use the following at your own risk.

  • "It gets complicated when you have three wives so I normally don't wear a wedding ring."
  • "What? I have worn it every day since getting married - I must have lost it somewhere here! Can you help me find it?"
  • "My wife/husband was killed in a car accident two months ago..."
  • "I'm single, actually... are you asking me on a date? I'm free Friday night."

Or declare yourself unmarried, then file a lawsuit if you don't get the job for discrimination.

Lilienthal
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enderland
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    Disclaimer aside, great answer! – Steve Jan 16 '13 at 18:14
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    The non-answers crack me up. – bethlakshmi Jan 16 '13 at 18:21
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    Answer aside, great disclaimer. Hey maybe she is asking me out. You never know. – Fixed Point Jan 16 '13 at 22:20
  • It's against the law for them to even ask the question, so the lawsuit part shouldn't be out of the question. And anyone that they come in contact to at the company is considered "an interviewer", at least up here in NY. – Randy E Jan 17 '13 at 18:40
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    @RandyE it's not necessarily against the law to ask this question according to this. However. It is against the law to discriminate using marital information which is why this question is very, very dumb to ask as an employer interviewing candidates. – enderland Jan 17 '13 at 19:18
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    Very good answer. You don't need to display your personal life, but you need to convince them that you are a reliable person... There are 1000 ways to answer the question beneath the question, without answering the question. On the other side of the desk, the recruiter will probably "ask without asking". Anyway you WILL have to answer a question about private and professional life. – Yves Jan 17 '13 at 23:53
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    Note that in some areas of the world it IS against the law to even ask this question. Just in case a non-American sees the question: it's worth checking in your own country. – Jon Story Nov 26 '14 at 11:38
  • In some countries it is perfectly legal to lie in your answer, and illegal for the company to do anything about it. "Do you want children?" "I hate children, I will never ever have babies". Goes on maternity leave four months later... – gnasher729 Nov 01 '22 at 15:41
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"...and I know I am not supposed to ask this, but are you married or engaged?"

I believe that the correct answer would have been something along the lines of:

"You are correct, you are not supposed to ask."

You don't have to be quite so direct and blunt, phrase it any way you'd like. Not going for confrontational here, but I think it's appropriate and important to establish your position.

  1. I know what you're asking is questionable/illegal.
  2. I'm not willing to possibly break the law.
  3. I'm not willing to compromise my ethics.

But you might want to sidestep the question and go on to reassure them of your long term goals, hopes and expectations. This may help reassure them of a commitment from you. However you have no obligation to disclose this information to them.

In all honesty anything but a direct answer to the question is probably going to get you kicked out of the queue for consideration. If it's so important to them that they are willing to risk legal action just by asking then they want an answer.

The bottom line, if they are so willing to flaunt their disregard for such a fundamental and basic practice; what other legalities would they be willing to ignore?

You might want to reconsider working/associating with them.

Steve
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    Direct confrontation on this issue is not the best approach if you want to remain in consideration. You want to avoid being remembered as argumentative or hostile. – enderland Jan 16 '13 at 18:16
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    @enderland, I agree with you. But bottom line is that you've been asked a potentially illegal question. In this case the only answer that would really keep you in the running would be a direct answer to the question. But by answering directly you are also showing your potential employer that you are just as willing to disregard the rule of law. You may keep yourself in the running, but you've also just shown them that you are perfectly willing to compromise your ethics. – Steve Jan 16 '13 at 18:22
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    My understanding is this is not actually illegal to ask, but opens the company up to a discrimination can of worms (ESPECIALLY if the person answers "single" and then doesn't get the job, as in this situation) because discrimination based on that information is illegal. – enderland Jan 16 '13 at 18:27
  • Very true how you mention the word "associating" here - their reputation will be(come) known to other people in the field... working with them or having worked with them might not help your professional reputation in the long run. – Konerak Jan 16 '13 at 19:09
  • Edited to clarify that I'm not suggesting being confrontational. Only to establish your position. – Steve Jan 16 '13 at 19:28
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    I'd suggest "You are correct, you are not supposed to ask. Are you sure you want the liability of having me answer that?". But I tend towards the sarcastic in general. – Bobson Jan 16 '13 at 22:00
  • I won't recommend it to others, but I'd be tempted to go with the hostile version of "I presume that by admitting you shouldn't have asked that you know I will be reporting such action if I'm not properly considered for this position." – mikebabcock Jan 16 '13 at 22:04
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    With regards to "I'm not willing to possibly break the law", there would be nothing illegal about answering the question. – Adam Robinson Jan 16 '13 at 22:35
  • @AdamRobinson you are correct, while answering may not technically be a violation of the law it is a clear statement that you are perfectly comfortable with the violation. – Steve Jan 16 '13 at 22:40
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    @Stephen It is not illegal (or unethical) to answer the question. It does not even suggest you are comfortable with the violation. If you are uncomfortable with the possibility that an adverse employment decision was made on the basis of your truthful answer to an illegal question you can discuss it with a lawyer. – emory Jan 17 '13 at 03:08
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    Best answer I've seen. I would also to it "If I or someone else answered that question you could possibly open your company to litigation and I don't want put you in that position. Let's move onto the next question". Also probably expand on long term goals in relation to the company. – Simon O'Doherty Jan 17 '13 at 07:58
  • @SimonO'Doherty "you could possibly open your company to litigation" given the fact that the interviewee would be the one causing the litigation, it's impossible not to interpret this as a veiled threat. an entirely valid and understandable veiled threat but, likely will not achieve the disarming tone you seem to intend. – user371366 Oct 02 '18 at 04:18
  • It may not be illegal, but I would find it very disturbing to be asked illegal questions - even if I'm sure that my truthful answer would be what they want to hear. In this particular situation, my answer might be "I will stay with this company exactly as long as you and I agree that I should stay". – gnasher729 Nov 01 '22 at 15:43
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You're always free to share whatever you want to share, but should never feel pressured to provide info that could be discriminatory. If you felt like answering with the details of your personal life - the choice is yours.

If you'd prefer to avoid that, since it CAN be discriminatory - answer the concern, but not the question:

Let me reassure you, I'd also prefer a long-term association provided we work together well. It fits well with my personal life, and it looks like a place I'd be happy in for a long time because of XYZ good things about the company. The only reason I'd consider leaving is ABC potential issues - do you have any thoughts on whether that would be a problem?

And I'd skip having one of "ABC potential issues" being - "you flout US law by asking inappropriate and discrimantory questions about my personal life, are there any other laws you violate?" - true as it may be... it's rather a non-starter in terms of getting off on the right foot with a potential boss/coworker.

Depending on the nature of the interview and your overall personal feelings of connection to the interviewer, it may be worth your while to mention it to your HR liason or whoever seems to be coordinating the interview agenda. It should be OK to say to that person:

Just so you know - I was asked a question that I found off-putting. The interviewer asked about my martial status. He seemed to indicate that it's not typical company policy. I wasn't quite sure of what to say, since I honestly believe it's none of his business. I did my best to address the overall concern - my commitment to staying in the company long-term - but felt pretty uncomfortable with the whole thing.

At this point, you're testing them - subtly. It's about the kindest heads up you can give them that one of their employees is opening them up to potential litigation - you've been honest, non-threatening, and truly concerned because you are a team player and a decent person - not some jerk in it for a lawsuit.

What I'd be looking for in this situation is to hear back in a week a reasonable response from the representative I talked to. If they are smart, they'll do something along the lines of:

  • send an honest apology and a job offer because they liked you and want to hire you

  • send an honest apology and ask you to reinterview with a different person - probably because they really couldn't trust the interview process at that point

If they try to ignore it or sweep it aside, you have to wonder if other legitimate legal concerns will also get similar treatment. If they don't hire you, chances are good that you'll never know why, and it's your call whether you want to follow up with a laywer and a lawsuit. But at least you showed them who you are - someone who wanted to be part of the company, but who wasn't willing to overlook a potentially serious issue just to please management.

In all honesty - I'm not sure what I'd do either. It's hard to have the presence of mind to pull this off eloquently in the moment. It's much easier when you are sitting in privacy typing an answer to a Stack Exchange. :)

bethlakshmi
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  • It was the HR liaison who said this! Yes, what I really wanted to say was something like "It's none of your business, and do you regularly break other laws?" And yes, having the presence of mind to say this at the moment is why I'm asking! – GreenMatt Jan 16 '13 at 18:46
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    I figured, I'm just saying, on a lot of these, anyone reading it has to figure we all limp along as best we can. When the person breaking the policy is the HR person, the backup to talk to is usually the hiring manager if such a person is clear and you have their contact info. Having HR do it is a much bigger deal in the US because of the special role they play in many organizations. – bethlakshmi Jan 16 '13 at 18:55
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    @bethlakshmi plus, for all we know, the HR person was having a terrible day or was stressed out or interviewing for their first time and after saying that immediately thought to themselves, "oh @#%#@ did I really just say that? I can't believe I just did that. @#%@#." or something similar. We've all said things in interviews we immediately go "wtf did I say that for." – enderland Jan 16 '13 at 19:00
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    I was going to suggest just looking at the interviewer and not saying anything. This is a technique I learned from the military. However, if you really want the job I like 'answer the concern not the question' better, so I just upvoted this answer. – Jim In Texas Jan 16 '13 at 20:58
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    Confronting your interviewers is a dumb move. You don't get the job, and they don't change their practices. Play it smart, get the job, then talk to the HR department later: "Hey, something I've been meaning to ask...did you really mean to ask about my marital status? That put us both in an awkward spot there..." – Steve Bennett Jan 17 '13 at 01:03
  • @SteveBennett, at that point I would no longer care if I got the job because I don't work for places that are this batent about their discriminatory hiring practices. My experience is that places that do this type if thing also will ask you to do other illegal/unethical things. This question would have resulted in in me terminating the interview. – HLGEM Jan 17 '13 at 15:04
  • @SteveBennett - I'd say it depends how badly you want the job. If my options are no job/this job - maybe I'd do what you suggest. Having always left a decent job for a hopefully-better job, I would consider not moving from a pretty fair environment to a discriminatory one a factor in my consideration. – bethlakshmi Jan 17 '13 at 16:36
  • IMHO you'd have to be pretty picky to refuse to work for a place because they practice mild "pro-marriage" discrimination. – Steve Bennett Jan 18 '13 at 00:19
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    My personal experience has been that something like this often signals other issues - once I see something like this, it usually gets me thinking about what else may be a concern. Granted, I've never been on a really desperate job hunt. And I strongly favor sticking with a job for 3-5 years - so if I'm going to leave a place I like, for a better opportunity, I'm looking for STRONG signals that it's a place I want to work... the place has to prove itself to me. Not the other way around. – bethlakshmi Jan 18 '13 at 16:06
  • @SteveBennett, in my opinion, there is no reason at all to continue the interview at this point. But then I am single and thus would be the person screened out for no valid reason except blatant prejudice. Would you think this was OK if they said in a phone interview, "Our experience is that white men don't stay long here, so I know I'm not supposed to ask this, but color is your skin?" It is exactly the same thing. And every bit as insulting. – HLGEM Jan 21 '13 at 22:23
  • I was under the impression that the job market in the US is pretty tight right now. Sacrificing a potential job so easily sounds unwise. – Steve Bennett Jan 22 '13 at 03:07
  • @SteveBennett - Its a personal choice some people make. I would not work at a company that asked a question like this even if I was desperate for a job. Of course I also would go seek legal advice after the interview also. I would address the concern, not the actual question, since my marital status is none of their business. – Donald Jan 22 '13 at 12:58
  • As ever - no entire country is ever out of a job. Some parts of the US economy in some locations are truly dismal. Others are going through salary increases with many new openings. The desperation factor remains a very personal choice. – bethlakshmi Jan 22 '13 at 14:40
16

Use the opportunity to demonstrate your tact, diplomacy and professionalism:

"Well, I wouldn't want to put you in an awkward position by discussing my marital status explicitly, but what I think you're asking is, am I going to stick around? Am I someone worth investing time and resources in, or am I still shopping around for the right career? And the answer is, yes: [elaborate on reasons why, how committed you are, what your resume demonstrates...]"

Steve Bennett
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  • +1: not answering that question directly is to the benefit of both you and the employer; if a discrimination lawsuit comes up, it is better for the employer if you can honestly (under oath) state that you did not disclose your marital status to them. – Dancrumb Jan 17 '13 at 18:48
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    This is simply a restatement of the existing answer from @enderland. – Joshua Drake Jan 17 '13 at 20:33
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This is what I would say:

"I'm single."

Then close my mouth.

As a job hunter, you should be on the look out for red flags in your employer too. Do you really want to work for a company that blatantly breaks the rules and/or laws to get some information out of you? You should report this particular HR interviewer's actions to his boss, regardless if you get the job or not, depending on how much it bothered you.

bobobobo
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  • Small privately owned business
  • HR person asking a qustion she knows she shouldn't ask and who seems uncomfortable asking (Or that disclaimer about I know I shouldn't be asking this would not have come into play)

What this says to me is that the owner is likely dictating the question and he is showing his predjudices clearly. For whatever reason, he doesn't want to hire single people unless they are properly engaged as that is the only legitimate reason to be single. This indicates to me that he is a person who believes that only one lifestyle is appropriate and that anyone who differs with him is not going to do well in that company.

I am single and I have seen a lot of this prejudice against people being single and around here (I live in a very conservative area), it is almost always related to the owner having religious beliefs that gays were unacceptable and anyone not married by a certain age must be gay.

It screams out to me that the owner wants to dictate your private life be lived only on his terms. It is a clue that he doesn't care about discrimination, he is more than willing to intimidate his HR person into asking questions she has probably advised him he can't ask (and note he had someone else do it so he wouldn't be the responsible person) and who knows what other legal issues he will want you to break in the name of his profit. This is also the type of person who will expect you to share his political and religious views. It screams to me that this is a company to be avoided at all costs.

I would have looked her straight in the eye and told her that the interview was terminated as I would not work for a company with such poor ethics. Then I would have left.

HLGEM
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2

Politely decline to answer:

I am sorry, do you mind if I do not answer that?

Can anyone suggest a better way of handling something like this so that I do not exclude myself from consideration?

An interview is a two-way street, you should exclude them from consideration here. "I know I am not supposed to ask this, but I will ask anyway" is a huge red flag. Judging candidates by stereotypes (married people stay longer) is another huge red flag. You shouldn't be surprised if the company also promotes married people because "married people tend to be better managers/leaders", etc.

Masked Man
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    It doesn't really answer the question which specifically states Can anyone suggest a better way of handling something like this so that I do not exclude myself from consideration? – enderland Jan 22 '13 at 14:32
  • This is a Q/A site, not a forum. – enderland Jan 22 '13 at 14:53
  • @enderland "I am in the middle of a highway. How do I avoid getting hit by vehicles without getting off the road?" Would your answer be, "Run faster than the vehicle" or "Get off the road". Come on, it happens all the time on SE (especially StackOverflow). The OP reports a scenario and asks how to fix what he thinks is the problem, but people figure out the real problem from the context and answer how to fix that instead. Being a Q/R site does not mean you need to answer questions like a robot. – Masked Man Jan 25 '13 at 03:36
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    If not convinced still, here's some fun stuff: You're in an airplane – Masked Man Jan 25 '13 at 03:40
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    FWIW, I met with the HR guy first and at the point I faced this question, I didn't know if I was dealing with an entire company with problems or a single rogue HR representative. While the latter would not be good, it would not necessarily indicate an unacceptable job. – GreenMatt Feb 13 '13 at 20:49
-1

If I would be the hiring manager, and it would come to my attention that HR would be that rude to candidates, possibly scaring off good people (I myself decided for smaller transgressions on the HR side not to take a job), i would be seriously pissed. So it would be possible that mentioning this to the hiring manager in an innocent way could play the inherent conflict between these two to eliminate the disadvantage.

If a candidate would hint this to me, i would communicate to HR how important it is to fill the position.

Sascha
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