My boss' new hire, a friend of his, is making advances on me

Question

I am a woman who has been working on a team of men for a number of years now. Up until recently I have been treated very well and with respect. I love my job and get on well with my boss and colleagues.

A few weeks ago, my boss hired a friend of his to join our team. He is, admittedly, very good at his job and my boss thinks very highly of him.

Initially we got along well, but after he found out I was single, he started making unwanted advances towards me. It was just talking in the beginning. Asking questions about me personally. I originally just thought he was being friendly, but grew uncomfortable when he started moving into my personal space. I thought it was just in my head until he started touching my arm and shoulder. I politely moved out of the way.

I got up the courage to talk to my boss about it. We have a good relationship and I thought since they knew each other that could help. My boss just brushed it off and said he was just a flirt and that I had nothing to worry about. He seemed completely unconcerned about my discomfort.

So now it has escalated to the point where he is making serious advances on me. I have repeatedly turned down his invites to coffee/lunch/dinner and am now actively avoiding him as much as possible. He has become increasingly arrogant and bold in his statements. My colleagues know, but they don't know how bad it has become. As far as I can tell, they think he's just a flirt.

I am not very experienced in dealing with men like this. I have a quiet personality and generally avoid confrontation. I realize that other women probably would have slapped him by now or something. But that's something I wouldn't do.

I now am at a loss. I am seriously considering looking for another job. Apart from this, I love my job and find it rewarding. I don't want to leave. I also don't want to give up because of him.

How do I make him stop this? Or convince my boss that this is serious?

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More detail:

The company is a small start-up in California. My boss is the CEO.

As an example, I used to get to work early and often was one of the first ones there. He boxed me in in the kitchen and said I deserved to be "punished" for a bug found in my code the day before. He then claimed I'd "enjoy being spanked". I was speechless, no man has spoken to me like that before, with such presumption.

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I thought I was quite clearly declining his invitations, but these comments are making me question if I was clear enough. I initially said "No, thanks", and later "I'm not interested" when he persisted. He seems to be completely unfazed by my rejection and claims that "I want him and just don't know it yet". This morning he touched my face and I pushed his hand out the way and said "don't touch me!". He seemed surprised but it didn't seem to bother him too much. I am trying to be more assertive and more clear that I'm not interested. I am, frankly, terrified of this man.

When I spoke to my boss the first time, things weren't that bad but now I'm going to make a serious case and be more detailed in my examples of his behaviour (as suggested). I am at the point where I don't care what happens with the job, I just want this over. It is stressing me out and making it hard to get myself to work every day.

Thanks for the answers, they have been so helpful. I thought I didn't have a chance and now I feel more hopeful.

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So I spoke to my boss this afternoon and gave him a list of what happened and when and I think he was pretty shocked. He said he'd investigate. I also think he saw I was upset about the whole thing because he also said I could work from home the rest of the week.

It's a relief already that he knows, and took it seriously.

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It all worked out in the end. I still have my job, my coworker no longer has his. It came out that this wasn't the first time this has happened; he's had a history of behaving this way at previous companies. My boss knew about his history and hired him as a favour because he was having difficulty getting a job elsewhere.

I'm still feeling very unsure about the whole thing. The fact that my boss knew about his history and let this happen is very bothersome to me. I am looking for a new job now, even though this has worked out in my favour. I don't respect my boss and his character anymore.

Thanks so much to everyone for their advice and encouragement! I am certainly a lot happier now and relieved this is over.

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It's been a couple of years later now and I basically ended up leaving the company and getting another job. I'm now at a much better company on a new team of amazing respectful people and it is so nice to have this all behind me.

Answer 1

He's counting on you to avoid confrontation. And you feel that saying something more forcefully will make things uncomfortable and be rude. But here's the thing: he's already being rude, and things are already uncomfortable, at least for you.

So, in addition to writing things down after they happen each time, start speaking up anyway. When he touches you, say "Please don't touch me." Get louder each time. It will become easier as you do it, and enforcing boundaries is a useful skill.

When he asks you out, say "I'm not interested in going out with you. Please quit asking." If he asks again, say "I said I wasn't interested, why are you still asking?" "I need you to quit asking me out, can you do that?" And you can get louder there, too.

Eventually, it will become more uncomfortable for him than it is for you, and he will stop. Or else the boss will start seeing and hearing the problem. And when the boss finally takes notice, you'll have your log, if he's interested.

If you have an HR, it's worth going to them and explaining that you've told him to stop, and he won't.

As BradC says in the comments "to be absolutely clear, there is zero chance he doesn't know exactly what he's doing. The reason to be clear and loud, as this answer recommends, is not to "make sure he understands", the reason is to remove his plausible deniability, and to make sure that everyone else in the office also sees what is going on." Yes, start making it more uncomfortable for him, start making it really visible to others what he is doing. He already knows what he is doing, and will continue as long as only you are uncomfortable.

Edit, based up updates to question If he's touching you and not backing down, then you need to go to HR and your boss now. (Which you have.) Don't arrive early when he might be the only one there. Don't work late. Make sure, as far as you can, that he never has a chance to be alone with you. Working from home is a good start. (If it hadn't escalated as much as it has, I'd suggest that when he's around, make your documentation a lot more obvious: pull out your phone, and tell him that you'll be taking a video of your immediate area, and if he moves into it, he will be in the video. But don't ever be alone in the building with him now, even with the camera phone - that's not enough to protect you, and it might make it worse. You don't want evidence after something happens, you want nothing to happen.)

If he isn't completely professional when you return to the work building, you should consider finding a new job and getting a restraining order, and ask to work from home until that happens. (You might mention to your boss that you're considering a restraining order, and ask if he'd like to handle it differently than you working from home.)

Answer 2

Firstly, write down every instance of unwanted attention in a log and date it. This is for if it goes really bad, you want a record so you can litigate.

Involve HR. Tell them that you are recieving unwanted attention from a colleague and that you have done due diligence in letting him know it is unwanted and that you wish HR assistance in the matter. Be sure to let them know that you are perfectly satisfied with it just stopping (they are, technically, working for the company and will start to cover their tracks in case of litigation - but they are legally obligated to provide a workplace safe from harassment so they should, in theory, be helpful)

If you do not involve HR you could make your log known to the person in question by loudly saying what you are writing as you are writing it. "Monday the third, touches me despite being told not to last wednesday. Inviting me out to dinner, again, after being told not to ask," - this is dangerous but bullying works surprisingly often. Either which of these paths you chose:

And, ask assistance from a lawyer, depending on your financial situation of course. IANAL, so you are just getting what I would have done if I were a woman and in your shoes.

Answer 3

I think you will probably end up leaving this job. But perhaps try a few last-ditch things:

• give this person a loud clear NO every time. "Please don't touch me." "No, and please don't ask again, it's not flattering." "I do not like the turn this conversation is going." Yes, it's rude to express yourself this directly, with no please or thankyou, no if-you-don't-mind, no face-saving I'm-sure-you-didn't-mean-to-make-me-feel-uncomfortable. He was rude first. Taking notes and saying what you're writing as you write it is also an option in this category.
• give your boss a chance to get through to his friend. If the "just a flirt" line comes out, say "there is no 'just' about it for me. It's making me uncomfortable. I am having trouble working here because of it." Make it clear this is not an "I wanted to let you know" conversation and is an "I want you to make this stop" conversation.
• if there is an HR, talk to them. Your situation is crystal clear, so my guess is there is no HR or it would have been handled by now.
• if you live in a country that has laws against this behavior, and a line you can call for advice and to start a "human rights" claim of some kind, get that started. Optionally, tell your boss you have done so.

It should not be on you to point out that being flirted with when you just came here to work is not cool. It should not be on you to set up and enforce the line between "nice" and "trying to date me". It should not be on you to educate your harasser, your boss, and all your colleagues about how this makes actual human people feel. Nor to remind them that women are actual human people. Yet here you are. If you don't feel like taking all this on, you don't have to - but you probably won't be able to work there harassment-free unless you do, and you may not be able to work there harassment-free under any circumstances. Take as much control as you can.

Answer 4

So I was reading this question, nodding along. Thinking "that sounds quite annoying, but not too serious".

Then you gave the specific example at the end and I was frankly shocked. That wasn't a bit of flirting or attention. That was pure sexual harassment, he was very far across the line!

But none of your description up to then really portrayed that. If you went to your boss and said only what you said in the first half of the post then I can understand him not taking it too seriously.

Go to the boss with this specific example written down with date, time and what he said. Collect a few more examples if possible. Say "this is what is happening. In the company of others he is persistent and annoying. Whenever he gets a chance to catch me alone I'm being sexually harassed." Hand the list to your boss (take a copy first for your own records) and tell him what you are dealing with.

Unfortunately you will need to make a stand here, even if you would prefer not to. Hopefully the list can speak for itself though so you do not need to.

Then make it clear. You cannot tolerate this situation any further. Either this behavior stops now or you will have to consider your options. If you do not feel comfortable having any further contact with this person then specifically request that.

Hopefully this will make the CEO take notice. If not then you have the evidence you need to involve a lawyer. In a fair world you should not have to leave a job you love because one idiot is ruining it for you but it may come to that. All I can suggest is that you try a written complaint first, then evaluate your options from there.

Answer 5

I just want to add something to the useful answers here: since you are the quiet type and dislike confrontation, I suggest that you practice telling (NOT yelling) him to stop at home, best in front of a mirror. This will make it less hard to do so with him, in the real situation.

Answer 6

This is a clear case of sexual harassment, which is illegal.

If your company has at least 15 employees, then your employer bears the responsibility for ensuring that your workplace is safe, including that there is no sexual harassment. See San Francisco's Sexual Harassment: Frequently Asked Questions. If your employer refuses to address this behavior, you have a very strong legal case.

The point and purpose of Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 is to eliminate the need to choose between your dignity and your job. Under that act, your employer is required to address sexual harassment... it's not up to you to stop it. If your employer refuses to do so, they are violating the law, which is meant to protect you from exactly this situation. You have legal rights. Your only responsibility is to exercise those rights.

If your company has less than 15 employees, and your employer refuses to address the harassment, then you should still consult with a lawyer. This kind of behavior may still be considered assault, and you may still have legal protections, but a lawyer would be better able to make that determination.

You should not fall prey to victim blaming. The other person is the aggressor here, and you should not be made to change your behavior or routines to accommodate his disgusting behavior.

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Since you've updated your answer to indicate that your boss has, indeed, taken some initial action, keep in mind that the end goal here is to make the harassment stop.

Things can get a bit ugly, because it's unlikely that the aggressor will own up to the accusations and the friendship between him and your boss could make things complicated. If you get into any kind of back-and-forth, remember to stay focused on what you're asking for: that you want the harassment to stop.

Your goals should not include any kind of discipline for the aggressor, including dismissal or reassignment. Asking for or expecting those things could cloud the issue and bring your motives into question (unfortunately). Legally, your boss is only required to ensure that the harassment stops. You, likewise, should not be required to accept reassignment or severance. The goal is to make the harassment stop.

Answer 7

You say "He boxed me in in the kitchen and said I deserved to be "punished" for a bug found in my code the day before. He then claimed I'd "enjoy being spanked". "

This isn't just harrassment, this is assault. According to what you say, you had to be in reasonable fear of physical force against you. And that is assault, even if the physical force didn't happen. It's criminal. People can go to jail for this.

My advice to the boss: If this is a person that you call a friend, then you really need to be more careful about your relationships. This man is not anyone's friend, he is an animal.

Write down what happened, and what you reasonably feared would happen. Take this to your boss. Tell him that there is no "flirting" going on whatsoever, but that you have been assaulted. If your boss doesn't think it's assault, tell him that the police will think otherwise. If he doesn't want to do anything about it, tell him that he as your boss is personally responsible for the safety of the workplace. That by his inaction he is making this a very hostile workplace.

On the other hand, if he is convinced that this is just harmless flirting, then he won't mind if you tell every male colleague about how this man has been acting. After all, it's just flirting.

PS. After your final update: With what I know now, your boss has acted truly irresponsible. So he had a friend who has been fired for sexual harrassment more than once and has difficulty finding a job. In that situation, if the boss decides to help his friend out and hire him, then it is absolutely essential that he tells the friend that such behaviour will be totally unacceptable at his company, and it is essential that he acts in the most forceful way possible if there are any complaints about him.

When you complained the first time, the boss should have talked to his friend and made it clear to him that this is his last chance. He should have told you that this behaviour would never happen again. Or at most once, and that you should tell the boss immediately if anything happens again.

What he did instead, telling you that this was "just flirting", was absolutely and inexcusable wrong. What he did would have been bad and wrong if he hadn't believed you, but he knew or should have known that you were telling the truth.

Answer 8

My boss just brushed it off and said he was just a flirt and that I had nothing to worry about. He seemed completely unconcerned about my discomfort.

Find a new job. Your boss will never do anything about this. Not only will he not do anything about you being harassed, but I personally would never trust him again because of it. Life is too short to work for someone who doesn't care even the tiniest bit about your wellbeing.

Even if you can eventually force your boss to do his job (and it is literally his job to keep people from ruining his team's productivity, which is what your harasser is doing) by hounding him until he does it, do you really want to work for someone who will only look out for your best interests (and your productivity!) if you make it more trouble to ignore you than to protect you?

Imagine that instead of a harasser your office had a broken electric tea kettle that shot sparks whenever someone turned it on. If you reported that to your boss and he didn't do anything about it, you would leave, right? Not even necessarily because of the kettle, but because your boss wouldn't do the simplest thing to keep you safe.

I also don't want to give up because of him.

Don't look at it as giving up because some creeper is harassing you, look at it as refusing to stay at a company that doesn't care in the slightest that someone is harassing you.

There's one thing that the other answers seem to be missing that's frustrating me: actually suing the company for not doing anything about your harasser has consequences. As a woman developer myself, I hope you sue and win and the judge makes an example of them, but I'd be a real jerk if I didn't acknowledge the fact that a) going to court sucks - it's an expensive, grueling process that may not yield any good results - and b) it's wildly unethical and a huge red flag, but some employers will look at an employee who sued their employer as a troublemaker and not hire them.

Absolutely consult with a lawyer, but you should in no way feel obligated to actually sue. If you do decide to speak with a lawyer, be sure to ask what potential downsides going to court could have.

I thought of a better way to explain what I'm trying to get at: a lawyer is not a magic wand. You cannot wave one around and expect all of your problems to disappear.

Answer 9

Talk to the Police

With your edit, this no longer sounds like 'persistent annoying' behavior but rather extremely threatening, dangerous behavior. If I was you, I would be afraid for my safety.

In the state I live, getting permission to carry a weapon on company property is basically impossible, but if that's something that is a real option for you I'd definitely consider it.

I would call the police (non-emergency), and ask for a restraining order. I would then call a lawyer specializing in workplace harassment or women's rights issues and ask to talk with them about this ASAP because I'm worried for my safety. If they couldn't give me preliminary advice quickly, I'd find someone else.

My default plan would be to contact my CEO, explain what happened, especially the 'spanking' episode and the 'you want me, you just don't know it yet' creepy talk. I would then refuse to go into work until the sexual harrassment situation is dealt with. I would explain that I am afraid for my safety and until the company can provide a workplace free from sexual harassment I will not be coming in to work.

If I had any friends at work, I would tell them (via phone or email, obviously, since you aren't going in to work) what was happening and ask them, if appropriate, if they would be willing to cover parts of what I was working on until the company decides what it's going to do about the sexual harassment. Something like:

"Hi, Tom, So John (the creepy stalker guy) has gotten pretty serious with his threats and I don't really feel safe coming to work right now. I'm hoping the Boss will take care of it soon, but it doesn't really feel like he's listening to me. In any case, I'm going to be out of the office for a few days at least, do you think you could handle (one of the things you were going to do that John is also qualified to do) for me? It's alright if you can't, I'm just supposed to have it done so (larger project) can go online by (date).

Also (appropriate additional communications based on your relationship and trust and desire for support from this person and whatnot)

(your signature email ending thing or lack thereof)"

Once I heard back from people, I would email my boss and be like "Hey, so I got Tom and Dennis to cover (thing A) and Paul said he'd be willing to do (thing B) if he has time. I couldn't find anyone to cover (thing C), though. Hope I can come back to work soon."

If you want to take matters into your own hands, what's being done is almost certainly a violation of several criminal laws in California, may be a violation of several others, and may lead to additional criminal violations. Specifically, Stalking, Violation of a Restraining Order, Criminal Threats, and Sexual Assault.

There are also several civil violations, such as civil harassment, that are relevant here. Criminal problems you can get solved by talking to the police by yourself. Civil problems are more likely to require a lawyer (which you should be getting anyways at this point).

I would also make sure to lock my doors and windows, and to travel with friends when going out.

To reiterate, this sounds like a serious and immediate threat to your personal safety and you should react appropriately.

Answer 10

How do I make him stop this? Or convince my boss that this is serious?

Threats sometimes work. Sometimes you need to escalate.

If the individual doesn't leave you alone after being threatened about going to the boss, then go to the boss.

If the boss doesn't do anything after being threatened to go to HR, then go to HR.

If HR doesn't do anything after being threatened with a lawsuit, then get your lawyer involved.

Start with the easiest/simplest, then work up to the most involved.

Answer 11

I'll take a different tone to the other answers.

You got a really raw deal here, and I think it'll end with you having to leave the company. Prepare for this.

No, it's not fair. But you already saw, the CEO is sticking up for the guy, it's his friend, so complaining to the CEO or HR will probably get you nowhere.

You can look into whether or not what you experienced is enough to file a lawsuit, you'll have to consult with a lawyer for that, but I'd advise against it. Suing your employer is a very easy way to get blackballed in your entire industry.

Fairness aside, realisticly, it's probably best for you to move on to another job without causing a stir. It sucks that it has to be that way, but suing and/or filing a sexual harassment complaint against your employer or his friend may completly ruin your career even if your claim is just and gets ruled in your favor.

Answer 12

After reviewing some of the other answers, I can only recommend one thing: consult a lawyer. He can guide you through documentation and possibly if criminal charges have been committed. As gnasher729 said the whole kitchen incident could be assault.

Another option is to call the police and file a complaint about the kitchen incident. After listening to your side of the story, the cop will determine if his actions were criminal. With the implication that he was going to spank you, I would say that there was a criminal act. There is nothing quite like the threat of criminal charges to take down a bully.

Above all I would not respond with a slap. If he escalates to grabbing you or you feel physically threatened, then knee to groin (or similar self-defense move) to protect yourself. A slap for some of the actions you described could get yourself in just as much trouble as it might not have been justified. For others a slap might communicate you did not truly feel physically intimidated (even though I feel intimidated by what you describe).

I would not leave unless you talk to a lawyer first. You want to work there, and you should share in the wealth if this startup takes off. If this bully forces you to leave, then a just compensation should be had.

Answer 13

Don't insult. Don't explode. Don't get overly loud. These actions can all be viewed as innapropriate behavior from you. You have a smart phone, use it. Every time this man approaches you, start videoing. You don't even have to be taking a video of him, but it will capture the place, the voice, and the time. In a firm voice say "I am not interested in you. I don't want you to approach me personally or touch me".

E-mailing this same statement, preceded by a list of the actions that have made you uncomfortable, so it provides more evidence that you've communicated your position, is a good idea. Send it with a delivered and return reciept requested. You could even send a registered letter to him at the work address, documenting the contents.

Document everything related to his interactions with you.

Tell your boss that you intend to file a grievance, with the labor board, for sexual harrassment against the man and the company unless the behavior stops immediately.

The boss is liable for such behavior happening in his company. This way, if you somehow lose the job you will clearly deserve unemployment and you can still sue for wrongful termination. There is no reason for you to quit your job or go quietly. It's a right, by law, in the United States to NOT be sexually harrassed in the workplace.

I'm 55 years old, with some experience of being mistreated in the work place, so I hope this helps.

Answer 14

Please review the sexual harassment laws for the State of California.

Any unwanted words or actions should be reported to someone of authority within your organization, and followed through with a conversation with the man that is harassing you giving him a warning. If this goes on after that, then you have created documentation and he has been warned, so there is a record that can result in his dismissal.

Also it's a good idea to let your boss know he could be liable also for allowing it to go on even though it has been documented and taken to an authorized person in the company.

Answer 15

Great to hear your boss took it seriously the second time around. People coming here via Google might like to consider this for their own problem:

Bosses usually optimise their management strategy for the most common case. In an industry full of extremely forthright people (one horrifyingly forthright person in this case), even a good boss can mistake politeness for indifference.

Expressing problems more concretely can help (in this case, a list of specific events did the trick). It can also help to spell out the general problem - that unusually polite people need to be managed a different way.

Good bosses consider that sort of thing an interesting challenge, and this question shows it's worth giving them a second chance to understand. But bad bosses also exist, and anyone still looking for advice after several attempts to communicate might have no choice but to leave their company.

Answer 16

Take care of yourself!

Other people have talked about logistics (i.e. not being alone at work and being with friends after work), legal implications (I agree that you should consult a lawyer, and if you contact me with your jurisdiction on my website, I can ask a couple of lawyers I know for a referral), and involving the police (I agree there too).

But there's something this thread is missing.

You are probably going through the greatest suffering you've experienced in your life, and you should act and take measures accordingly.

This means finding a therapist (https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms is one resource; also see http://locator.apa.org/) and probably a psychiatrist. You've suffered many deep wounds, and a good therapist with a good psychiatrist can support you as you heal.

Are you eating right? Drinking lots of water? Exercising? Sleeping neither too much nor too little? Enjoying nature? If you go out to exercise it should be in the company of friends for safety (for now), but the times when you may hurt enough that you don't feel like getting out of bed may be the times when you need exercise the most.

You can feel better, even if it's not overnight. I believe after some inappropriate experience that it is possible to heal and your feelings when you are "in crisis" (as psychologists say) do not need to be how you feel for the rest of your life.

Your friends can help!

I would lean on your friends as much as you can, but would add one note, especially with guys: one friend mentioned sexual abuse and said she was sometimes regretful of telling guys, not because it was too much to tell, but because they are sometimes afraid to touch her after hearing that. Different people have different experiences at different times; you may want a specifically female (literal) shoulder to cry on, or you may be sexually uncomfortable talking to a friend on the other side of a room not because of anything about the friend but because with your experiences you are simply sexually uncomfortable all the time no matter how they support you; one (attempted) rape survivor I knew was tremendously helped by many hugs from people she trusted, both male and female. In all of these things, trust your gut.

You know most likely what you want and need in terms of physical affection from friends, and you owe it to yourself to ask your friends explicitly, whether that's "I'd rather not even shake hands now," or "I really need a hug," or both "I'd rather not shake hands" to one friend and "I really need a hug" to another friend, or at another time. Or visit a friend with a sweet cat, and ask not to be touched but cry on the cat's shoulder. Some pets are good at that (humane shelters usually welcome people spending a little time with sweet pets even when they know you're not looking to adopt). Explicitly ask for what you want and need.

Get absorbed: Don't be alone with your pain.

This advice may or may not work for you, but try not to be alone physically unless you are in your locked home, and try not to be alone mentally with your pain. If I may hawk my own wares as an author, The Sign of the Grail (Kindle) (bookshelf) is one of several works that's gotten comments like "Rivited." [Spelling original.] Or do you have favorite movies? A favorite Youtube channel? Do you enjoy exploring Wikipedia?

You have presumably had many wonderful things that have happened during your life. It may be awfully hard to remember pleasant memories when you're feeling miserable (a cruel trick of memory), but you have had good things happen, positive people to deal with, surprise gifts, and people who have given you good memories. I would encourage you to write down explicitly the good things that have happened for your life, the people who have cared for you, gentle surprises from friends and loved ones, all of your reasons for living. Go back to it. If you use a word processor, you might go back and add more detail when things start coming back to you. There is no cure-all, but being uncomfortable and trying to remember your very most comfortable lifelong memories is less heavy of a burden than just being sexually uncomfortable and not really having anything else competing with pain for your mindshare.

One last note.

I am one of many people praying for your every well-being.

Answer 17

The behavior of this person towards you is unacceptable, unprofessional, and most likely violates your companies policies on conduct

Documentation is your best friend. Document subsequent attempts of his harassment. Specific and important information to capture includes the following:

1. When the incident took place
2. How it happened - email , verbally, physically through touching etc.
3. Exact wording of what was said, if you remember
4. If email / IM, a copy of the message or a screen capture of the IM

Also any communication to him showing you object to his behavior should also be in written form so later he cannot deny you wrote it. By keeping documentation, you create a paper trail that can only help you and avoids he said / she said. Do not editorialize, but simply stick to the fact of what was said / written by this harasser.

Answer 18

I'd say you've definitely reached the point at which the only sensible course of action is to lawyer up. You're being harassed at your job, talking to the harasser has not helped, and your company's "HR" (the CEO) is turning a blind eye. Any lawyer would start drooling at these facts and start to see you as a giant walking moneybag. You might feel that you don't want to profit from another person's stupidity (or the CEO's apparent naiveté), etc, but for a moment just consider how much it sets women back in the workplace if they're expected to silently quit jobs they do well and enjoy merely because some dude can't keep himself to himself when he's clearly been asked to so.

There is indeed such a thing as "token resistance" - a phenomenon where women not opposed to sexual relations will initially rebuff sexual advances so as not to seem easy, especially if the man has not done much in the way of traditional courtship. However, in a usual setting a woman may say no at first, but actually doesn't leave if it's his place or doesn't kick the man out if it's her place. Based on this and other factors, there usually isn't a lot of ambiguity about what is going on with token resistance. Of course, all this means it's extremely inappropriate for a man to assume that a woman is engaging in token resistance in the workplace, since the woman doesn't have the authority to just kick him out if just so happens that it isn't token resistance.

So you should definitely look at lawyering up! With a story like this, there's no question that you'd get free consultations, and probably have your pick of legal counsel.

Answer 19

One thing worth nothing that I haven't seen here yet (though I might've missed it) is informing your boss that unless something is done about this behavior, that you consider the company's failure to act in this matter to be not only remiss but that it makes them complicit in creating a hostile work environment as well as any incidents that happened after your initial attempts to report it. Say it forcefully, with conviction -- if it doesn't catch some attention, you need to burn off all the sick time you have and start talking to a lawyer (and the police, if they so advise).

IANAL, but this falls within "knowledge any manager/HR representative should have"; failure to act when a complaint of harassment (most especially sexual harassment) is registered is directly contributory to the creation of a hostile work environment and exposes the company to a MASSIVE liability. If your CEO is a typical startup CEO (little to no "real world" managerial experience), he doesn't understand the gravity of this situation, and by putting the fear of the Law into him you'll most likely prompt him to have a discussion with a lawyer/HR person, who should immediately clarify the gravity of the situation to him.

Answer 20

A lot of good answers, but as your probability of staying there is low, I'd advise another approach to my daughter, if she was in that kind of situation. It's rather desperate anyway, so maybe it's time to do something desperate too.

You say you are non-confrontational. He is bullying (and that's probably a weak word) you exactly because of that. He sees you as a prey, not a fellow human being. He's the kind of predator who does see the world only in terms of power.

You have to prove that you do not fear him (even if you do). You have to confront him. You have to counter-attack him. With verbal violence. Of course no physical violence (then you would and only you would be wrong), but verbal violence. Just once. Use the surprise effect. Be ready for the next time he is bullying you. And suddenly, without a warning, explode and throw him a flow of insults, as ugly as possible.

Yeah, I know. This might get you fired. But if you don't solve the situation quickly, your days within the firm as numbered anyway, as other people said. So be prepared to leave, and then send him back to the school bench he should never have left.

P.S.: One of the risks of that kind of tactics, though, is that you risk to like it. And it should be used only in desperate circumstances, so it's better to be reluctant to use them. And you have to assume your behaviour if the boss asks you.

And you might be fired for it, if your boss does give the priority to his buddy. It's a high-risk strategy. But in such a small startup, with, I guess, not much formal process, standard advises like "write down everything" and "call HR", which are very sound in a big corporate environment, are not even giving you as much chances of success, I fear.

TL;DR: The situation is desperate, and it is time to try desperate things, and be harshly confrontational, once in your life.