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A bit silly but I may have a small crush for an HR advisor in my company. The company is large and the culture is quite formal.

Ideally I'd like to meet her outside work and talk to her normally but there are no occasions to do so.

Is it really inappropriate in a workplace if I ask someone out?

dadama
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    Some companies have policies regarding relationships among coworkers. There are also company considerations. Maybe...you should talk to HR? – Thomas Owens Apr 28 '16 at 21:37
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    Just bring her something but without the note. And a few more times if she responds positively, eventually you will know whether you want to risk the note. –  Apr 28 '16 at 21:44
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    Get a new job and ask her out during your exit interview? – djohnson10 Apr 28 '16 at 21:51
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    I like the last suggestions :-) (exit interview and additional slow attempts..) – dadama Apr 28 '16 at 22:04
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    I agree, her position in HR makes it more risky. Company policy aside, I think you should ask her face to face, rather than a note. It is easy to misinterpret notes. What about asking casually to get a coffee when you are next going out for one? Does she go out for lunch? Perhaps ask her to join you some time? – Viv Apr 29 '16 at 01:55
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    See also How to have a relationship with someone at the office? – Brandin Apr 29 '16 at 08:39
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    A workplace is not a school yard. Chocolates? Really? I suppose the fact that she had to pass on a cake you made for your birthday may let you pull that off but this entire post feels so incredibly immature. Standard advice for a situation like this is to ignore the crush (the feelings, not the person!) as office romance is incredibly inappropriate and rarely ends well. As this person is in HR she'll probably shut you down quickly (or should at least) but I wouldn't even risk asking. – Lilienthal Apr 29 '16 at 09:44
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    @Lilienthal I do agree with the idea that a cake is really silly. Perhaps it's his first job out of school. However there is no reason why he couldn't attempt to be friends with her. I would say he can gauge on his chances simply by talking to her and determine if she likes talking to him or if she is pushing him away in which case he can simply carry on his business without the embarrassment of having been "that guy" who brought a cake. – Dan Apr 29 '16 at 13:17
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    If your only interaction to date has been having a piece of cake rejected due to the ingredients you may want to hold off on asking her out. – AndreiROM Apr 29 '16 at 13:33
  • Note: A crush is transient by definition, tends to crash and burn badly, and is almost never worth pursuing. If you are seriously interested, get to know her simply as a co-worker and friend. If that goes nowhere, you still have a friend, and those are always worth having. If it does go somewhere and ends, you can fall back to being friends. If it lasts, a relationship with a friend is a lot more rewarding than one with a near-stranger. Yes, this may take years, but if you aren't willing to take that time there is nothing here worth pursuing. Friend first, ___then___ consider flirting. – keshlam Apr 29 '16 at 14:14
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    And if you're a youngster, you may need the reminder: look for a ring or other hints that she's got other commitments. Much less embarrassing than "Want to go out for dinner?" "Can I bring my husband?" – keshlam Apr 29 '16 at 14:16
  • To be honest, the workplace isn't the place for this (and I haven't pass before for this situation), but, since you had a "first contact" and she responded you about her allergy, you could also send her a message with something like this: I offer you apologies about the reaction with the chocolates, I wasn't expect that, but I want (retrieve your trust / do the things right), so perhaps we can share a lunch some day (for amend my mistake); redact it in a almost formal way and expect her answer. check the comment. – Mauricio Arias Olave Apr 29 '16 at 16:18
  • @JoeStrazzere - 38 - 40 years ago might as well have been on a different planet. Nowadays you can get written up for harassment for saying hello in the hallway. – Dunk Apr 29 '16 at 20:15
  • Don't insist! She doesn't want to, she isn't obligated to do anything related that. Respect her desires. – lambdapool May 12 '16 at 12:05
  • If you can live with the shame of seeing her after she rejected you and the potential gossip it might cause among your colleagues it's perfectly fine. Just walk up to her and ask her: "Hey X, would you like to go on a date with me Friday evening? If you are not interested I won't bother you again." In my opinion that line is appropriate for all relationship levels. – ASA Jun 06 '16 at 12:43
  • Even if the company allows it I wouldn't because if it doesn't go well it will be very awkward when you run into her/have to work with at work. I know from personal experience – Amanda R. Jun 06 '16 at 16:15

4 Answers4

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It's inadvisable to do more than the piece of cake. Especially if she is in HR, but even if she wasn't.

Best if you met her outside work, but of course that would imply finding out where she goes outside work, which might be thought to be stalking. But really that is the safest way. Office romances are not a great idea and rarely end well unless one of the pair leaves the company.

Kilisi
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    I think this is even more so for companies you can describe as "large, formal." Being said, it's completely possible that the company may be okay with it as long as it's disclosed in writing and doesn't fall within the chain of authority. I think the fact she is HR, however, will make dating quite difficult. – CKM Apr 28 '16 at 21:50
  • From the company policy is ok to have romance within the company as long as it is disclosed to avoid conflict of interest (e.g. in case I would have to deal with HR a different member would be appointed - if we had a romance). However the risk is if things do not go well then she would be in a rather powerful position .. difficult... – dadama Apr 28 '16 at 22:03
  • @dadama Such policies are the reason it makes things weird and probably a bad idea. Suppose you meet her outside of work. At what point are you obligated to "disclose", anyway? If things don't work well and you just want to "be friends", do you have to "disclose" this as well? Unless you feel like you two are truly meant for each other consider avoiding this romance. – Brandin Apr 29 '16 at 08:46
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Im going to take a different tone to the existing answers.

Go for it.

Seriously, you stated that your company policy doesn't explicitly forbid it, so there is no real company-side risk for this. Be sensible about it too, don't get stalker-ish, but expressing interest is worth it. Jobs change and percieved unprofessional behavior is forgotten, your life however is important.

Other answers state that office romances seldomly end well, and that may very well be the case. But ask yourself this: Are you willing to take the risk that it might not go so well? If yes, you should definately go for it. Especially since your company policy explicitly does not forbid this.

Magisch
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    There is a difference between "company policy doesn't explicitly forbid it" and "company policy explicitly allows this". Only one of those is accurate. Personally I'd feel a little strange about the affair if the company policy made any sort of explicit statements about romances that happen to be between colleages. – Brandin Apr 29 '16 at 09:00
  • @Brandin I edited the answer to reflect that. Thanks – Magisch Apr 29 '16 at 09:01
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Ask HR... seriously

This is a pretty unique thing, and the best risk free way to do this is to approach her as a colleague in a formal context and ask what the policy is without letting on who specifically you are interested in.

As an employee you are entitled to know what the company stance is on office relationships is, and she will be the best person to ask about it.

On the plus side, if she has similar intentions she may understand on to what you are really asking, giving you an opening to ask her out - just follow what ever company guidelines she gives you.

But either way, follow her directions on whats appropriate and if she says no then leave it at that.

  • DO not even ask HR they will laugh at the immaturity of such question. – Learner_101 Apr 29 '16 at 04:24
  • Could just try this on the very person herself, we can see how it unfolds on HBO –  Apr 29 '16 at 06:06
  • Can I ask why he would ask HR to ask a girl out? Chances are she would just reject his offer and now you look silly on both end of the equation. Though it might make for a good pick up line asking the HR lady what the stance is on office dating then if she says it is all okay then ask her out. – Dan Apr 29 '16 at 13:11
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Do not do anything. Bringing piece of cake especially for her would definitely tell her you are interested in her. If you see her , smile at her and see if she responds. Chances are she already has a boyfriend if she is pretty. Best to move on and find another girl.

Learner_101
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    "Chances are"... "best to move on and find another". With that kind of attitude, a person'll never find a mate. If most people are in a relationship, then chances are always statistically unlikely that a person is available. One must determine if that is the case, if one is ever going to get hooked. – TOOGAM Apr 29 '16 at 05:09
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    That is a pretty sad suggestion. With an attitude like this OP will be alone way longer then he needs to be. Opportunity doesn't always present itself. – Magisch Apr 29 '16 at 06:46