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I am being invited to a team dinner which I won't be able to attend as I have to go for swimming coaching classes every evening.

I don't know how to decline the invitation and also politely tell them that I am a team player but I have personal issues and cannot attend evening engagements?

Mars
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Shravan Karmarkar
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6 Answers6

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Just say that you have a prior engagement that you can't decline, and that you're unable to accept this invitation.

It won't be taken badly, and won't have an effect on your career progression in this company. It's accepted that event dates or times might not suit everyone.

gusmally supports Monica
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    It doesn't matter that your "prior engagement" is with your own refrigerator. You don't have to tell them that. – Draco18s no longer trusts SE Nov 08 '19 at 23:58
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    "won't have an effect on your career progression in this company" I think this is a bit of a bold claim. Regardless of reason, not attending social events can have a negative impact on career progression. – Gregory Currie Nov 09 '19 at 13:37
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    @GregoryCurrie exactly, I think this is not a problem if it happens once (at least in most cases) but it will likely start hurting if it is a recurring behavior. We are social animals and if you seem unwilling to play your part this is often taken in a negative way. – meow Nov 09 '19 at 16:15
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    @meow It won't necessarily hurt punitively, but if you compare using the evening for networking and career progression versus staying home, going will always be better for your career unless there are no opportunities or you are inept. Skipping only doesn't hurt if you're looking at penalties rather than opportunity cost. However I would consider leisure time as having high value, as well as not setting the precedent of doing work in your off time. Skipping probably also does not hurt at all compared to attending and just going through the motions. – piojo Nov 10 '19 at 12:59
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    @piojo I agree, but if you start being labelled as the person that never joins it sets a bad precedent. – meow Nov 10 '19 at 17:15
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    @piojo Going can also be worse if you get annoyed even more by a co-worker you don't like or the other way around; granted that risk is typically smaller than the chance to improve some relationships, but if we want to be precise and complete, it needs to be included. To be fair, what Snow meant was probably that no one will actively hold it against OP - and taking it literally Snow put it perfectly correct: it will have no effect: no negative effect, no positive effect ;) – Frank Hopkins Nov 10 '19 at 23:50
  • @GregoryCurrie A team dinner is likely something that happens outside of normal work hours and a reasonable employer will not expect an employee to forego their personal life commitments to attend. Otherwise it's a sign of poor company culture. – Egor Nov 11 '19 at 12:19
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    @Egor The employer isn't obliged to forgo their personal life commitments, and the employer isn't obliged to promote the employee. If it comes down to a promotion chance between two people, and they are equal, except one has a good rapport with management, they are going to get the promotion. There is nothing sinister about it. It's just human nature. – Gregory Currie Nov 11 '19 at 12:42
  • @Egor Also, you make an assertion about poor company culture. Assuming your statement is true, it does not change the reality of the situation. Expressed differently, it would be better to have the chance at career progression at a company with poor culture, than not have the chance of career progression at a company with poor culture. – Gregory Currie Nov 11 '19 at 12:46
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I've seen a number of questions lately that seem to be almost self-answering, if you follow one simple guideline:

Unless you have a very good reason not to, simply tell the truth with respect and politeness.

This isn't just a guideline for this particular question; it's a good mode of thought going forward.

In this case? Your boss wants to throw together a dinner for the team, but you can't make it because you have swim coaching classes at that time? Then simply say:

"Hi - I want to go, but I can't at that time. I've got swim coaching classes every Friday at 6 PM."

Kevin
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    Agree this is generally a good policy, but adding specifics also opens you up to bargaining or people trying to infer their relative importance. You might get follow-ups of "you can miss one week" or "surely the dinner is more important" or things like that. If you give a specific reason, someone may not think it's a "good enough" reason, so sometimes it's better to be vague to avoid having to defend your reasoning. – Nuclear Hoagie Nov 08 '19 at 18:39
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    @NuclearWang - I understand what you're saying, and agree with it to a point. The problem I've got is that it's a stance to take when you're approaching a conversation from an adversarial perspective. (You want X, they want Y; fight!) Most people I know, in the boss' shoes, would simply reply with something like, "Oh - sorry you can't make it." There are people that your advice is needed on... but I'd hesitate to use it as a default choice. – Kevin Nov 08 '19 at 18:54
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    In fact, mentioning that you've got a commitment related to a passion or personal interest (coaching swimming) may be a great door-opener to "small talk" that helps form a good personal relationship between you and your boss, which can never hurt. If I had invited my team to an after-hours event and one of my employees said "I can't, I'm going to my swim coaching class" I would probably respond with a smile and ask some follow up questions about their interest in swimming. – dwizum Nov 08 '19 at 21:01
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    @NuclearWang I don't know that anyone would say that and be serious about it. Especially if you're the coach, or training to be the coach. The clear answer is "Sorry, but if I'm not there, the training doesn't happen for everyone else". – Graham Nov 09 '19 at 00:19
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    @Graham That's all very well and good if you have a reason that others will consider "legitimate", this one just happens to be one of those. My point is that if you've decided not to go, you don't have to defend your reasoning, whether that's "I'm going to watch TV tonight" or "I'm meeting the Pope" - there's always going to be a grey area where some people will disagree with your prioritization. – Nuclear Hoagie Nov 10 '19 at 17:23
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    If the person wants to push back, they might just as well ask “what’s so important that you can’t come?” Would it be overly invasive? Yes, but so would any discussion that involves weighing the relative importance of how you spend your time. If you say something vague about a “prior engagement,” it makes it sound like you have some kind of secret personal life that you don’t want anyone to know about instead of a normal hobby that could be used to spark interesting conversations. – AffableAmbler Nov 11 '19 at 02:24
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Usually, team dinners aren't mandatory. They're great for team building but you're not forced to go. You can politely decline explaining that you have other engagements or personal constraints.

But, if you are available another evening or on week-end, you can ask to change the date:

Thanks for the invitation but due to personal constraints, I'm unavailable after work. Can we reschedule on a Saturday evening ?

LP154
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The only time this would be unacceptable is if you knew prior to being a coach that you had this dinner. But if you are already a coach, and this dinner came up, simply say you have prior obligations and cannot make it. If asked, just be honest and say you are a coach for a swim team.

Dan
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    I was tempted to -1, but maybe you just had a bad choice of words... "unacceptable"? I hope you didn't mean that how it sounds, as that is a toxic environment where people can't decline such events. I should be able to say "No, I don't want to go out for dinner. I'm going to make myself a sandwich at home like I usually do. Thanks for the offer though" and even that should be acceptable. – Aaron Nov 09 '19 at 21:18
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I think the answer to this question depends on what line of work you're in and how high in the hierarchy you are, as well as whether you are hoping to get promoted or not. To be clear: if you are an hourly worker, there is typically a low expectation for putting in unpaid hours. You would be completely in your rights to declare all unpaid time yours and act accordingly. However, if you are in a profession, or simply a salaried worker, declaring that your job stops at 5:01 each and every night is short-sighted and likely to lead to (at a minimum) being passed up for promotion in favor of someone who is willing to go the extra mile at least occasionally. So, while I agree that a simple statement of truth like "I have other obligations every night after work" is the best way to get out of a team dinner meeting, if the question behind your question is really "should I do this/can I get away with it," think hard about your work culture as well as your 18 month and 3 year goals.

neurodoc
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  • this post is rather hard to read (wall of text), would you mind [edit]ing it into better shape? – gnat Nov 08 '19 at 23:00
  • It also contains controversial (and, in my opinion, incorrect) advice. – Michael Harvey Nov 09 '19 at 12:35
  • This answer is ok for a position which is truly salary, but remember that many so-called "salary" positions are actually treated like hourly. If your employer demands that you must do at least 40 hours every week, then you're as good as hourly and might as well cut them off after that. If your employer is fine with you being done after 30-35 hours for the week because you did a great job and are ahead of schedule, then you should be ok with doing 45-50 hours sometimes or with going out for the dinner. Summary: Yes, but just remember that many "salary" jobs are hourly in disguise. – Aaron Nov 09 '19 at 21:26
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Is there a pattern? I tend to end up on multiple team dinners/events in a year (especially counting leaving drinks etc.).

I have missed plenty and at everyone I have attended there are people missing for one reason or another. I can't see an issue with missing one. If you miss all of them I could see it being an issue.

It won't be taken badly. Just say you have a prior engagement or even that you have coaching lessons and that you hope to make the next one.

Christy
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