Any particular standards for what sexual harassment is in the USA?

Question

I am currently looking for a job, and I am going to say that #MeToo has made me quite scared of just what might be called sexual harassment in an American workplace. I can also mention that I quit my last job over a sort of obsession with the "exact" definition of sexual harassment when talking about it resulted in a complaint against me, which was not communicated to me the best. It sort of left me with the impression that I couldn't talk about this at all when it was intended to keep me from talking about this all the time (I have since gotten that much clarification at least from the manager.)

I'm mostly asking about whether behaviors like pats on the back without consent, compliments on appearance, and expressing desire to "date" employees constitute sexual harassment in workplaces in the USA. In particular, if there is any kind of national standard for definitions of such, in part so I can't just call anything and everything that I can claim made me "uncomfortable" sexual harassment! I recognize that without a federal or state standard, or at the very least a general guideline, this question would get workplace-specific and warrant me asking HR at the workplace(s) in question (which would be almost anywhere I get an interview.)

This is where "double standards" can also rear their ugly heads, and I morally will not tolerate any policies that make it more of an offense if a man does it than if a woman does. While I understand that many more men than women would feel flattered more than uncomfortable with this conduct, this is still not an excuse to take men who are borderline sexually harassed like this who are uncomfortable any less seriously than similarly uncomfortable women. Yes, it's opinion, but it's also a part of my conscience that I feel very strongly about, and I will not compromise it for the sake of immediate employment.

So I guess if I had to ask about one specific behavior: are pats on the back without explicit verbal consent very often considered sexual harassment in U.S. workplaces? Information about other, similar behaviors would be appreciated too.

EDIT: A key piece of information about this question: I quit of my own accord. I wasn't fired.

Answer 1

Per the EEOC and authoritative guidance from HR professionals, sexual harassment is judged in the eyes of the law using an objective reasonable person standard. What the term "reasonable person" means is whether / how an ordinary, rational person will likely interpret the conduct under those particular circumstances. If that person themselves found the conduct to be offensive and harassing perhaps say due to having a grudge, or just being extraordinarily sensitive, but a another normal human being under those circumstances would not, then the law is not likely to accept the situation as sexual harassment.

The other standard for what is considered to sexual conduct is that, assuming the victim to be the "reasonable person" as defined above, whether he / she perceived the conduct to be unwelcome and persistent. A isolated act done without malice would likely not be enough.

As to how you can mitigate but not entirely eliminate incidents in which you can be accused of sexual harassment, I feel my advice in this answer of mine is good. With exception of an extremely narrow selection of jobs, one's gender is hardly relevant in how one conduct's oneself with other colleagues in the workplace. Both men and women rightly expects themselves to not be judged in a belittling / hostile manner based on an inborn characteristic, such as gender. I agree with what @ThursdayGeek wrote - Assuming you treat male colleagues with respect, so should you treat female colleagues the same. Unless you work in one of extremely narrow group of job roles where gender of the employee is relevant, unprofessional / illegal behavior (e.g: sexual harassment) arising out of gender, should be treated the same as if that behavior stemmed from other non - gender but personal characteristics such as race, religion, national origin etc.

Answer 2

pats on the back without consent

I'd struggle to call a bog-standard pat on the back sexual harassment, but as a rule of thumb, don't touch your coworkers without consent.

compliments on appearance

Heavily depends on the nature of the comments and, in my opinion, to what extent they were prompted. Complimenting someone's hair on the day after they get a haircut is going to cause a lot less of an issue than doing so every day.

expressing desire to "date" employees

Yes, this is absolutely inappropriate for the workplace. Not all cases would go so far as to be called harassment, but doing this at all, even jokingly, is not appropriate conduct. The reason for this is that, in the workplace, you are in a position where you're expected to behave rather politely to each other. This can put pressure on the other person to "play along" with your desire, for fear of rejection coming across negatively on them. If you want to date a coworker, discuss it outside of work. (And probably don't do it at all.)

so I can't just call anything and everything that I can claim made me "uncomfortable" sexual harassment!

Do you feel that this happens? Or do you feel that it's something you would take advantage of if you could? Either way, the lack of a nationwide standard for what is and isn't sexual harassment does not allow anyone to cry wolf for whatever reason they please. Touchy subjects like this will always have to be handled on a case-by-case basis. That doesn't undermine the legitimacy of the harassment.

I morally will not tolerate any policies that make it more of an offense if a man does it than if a woman does

I've never heard of an explicit policy that punishes men more than women for the same offense. Women are often more affected by harassment from a man than a man would be affected by the same harassment from a woman, but that's because of complicated societal issues. If a workplace policy explicitly punishes men more for the same behavior, you're right that that shouldn't be tolerated.

Despite what reactionaries would have you believe, you don't have to walk on eggshells around women in order to not be considered a sexual harasser. Don't make unwarranted comments of a sexual nature, don't express desire to date employees, and if someone tells you your behavior is making them uncomfortable, STOP.

Answer 3

Standards about sexual harassment in the US are actually very simple. Is the behavior in question something that would be ok in your workplace when the action is towards a man? Are men and women treated equally? Do you ask for consent before touching anyone?

For example: do you pat men on the back and is that commonly done by others in the workplace? If you ask and the person is good with pats on the back? Then treat women the same. Ask before touching both men and women. But if men don't get pats on their backs, hugs, comments about their appearance, doors held open for them, or any other action, then again, treat women the same. If people in your office generally don't ask co-workers for dates, or you're not willing to ask both male and female co-workers for dates, then just don't. If you refer to your male co-workers as 'men', then refer to your female co-workers as 'women', not 'girls'. Keep your language equal too. If your religion forbids you to touch a woman co-worker, so that you can't shake hands, then don't shake hands with men either.

It is always ok to ask for consent first, for both men and women: "Do you need help with that package?" "Would you like me to open the door?" And then, act accordingly. Always ask for consent before pats on the back, hugs, or other touching. If you're in a position of power, don't touch at all, because consent may be given but it's not always clear that it is freely given.

This concept works for more than just men and women. It also works for people of different races, sexual orientation, religions. If you are treating everyone with equal consideration, then you should be fine.

As for national standards, the EEOC gives guidelines - don't discriminate by treating women differently from men:

The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) is responsible for enforcing federal laws that make it illegal to discriminate against a job applicant or an employee because of the person's race, color, religion, sex (including pregnancy, gender identity, and sexual orientation), national origin, age (40 or older), disability or genetic information. It is also illegal to discriminate against a person because the person complained about discrimination, filed a charge of discrimination, or participated in an employment discrimination investigation or lawsuit.

If you are professional and treat your co-workers as co-workers instead of women, men, or any other category, you'll be fine.