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In my open-space office our 5-man team, "A" sits next to 8-man team "B". About 3 weeks ago, a colleague from HR came and asked team "B" to mind their behaviour because they were rather loud and tended to swear quite a bit.

In order to accommodate quickly, they decided that for each curse one has to throw some change into a jar. Their method proved effective, as they control each other strictly.

About a week later, they suggested that our team join their "jar fund" and everyone except me agreed to do so. It is not a matter of the insignificant fine amount, but rather that I do not wish to be monitored in such a manner, despite the fact that I hardly ever swear (definitely the least of them all). I explained why I wouldn't take part and deemed this issue settled.

However, one team "B" member keeps nagging me about paying the fine for my grand total of 2 curses (something silly like "damn," no less) basically every day and completely ignores the fact that I'm not taking part. I clearly let him know multiple times that he's being annoying but he doesn't seem to care. At this point, I've definitely ran out of patience and will probably get very unpleasant very soon.

Generally, I would not hold back but I don't want to perform a full-fledged rant at work.

I could notify his superior, but I would rather deal with it personally. To make it clear: I no longer care about having a good relationship with that person, but I don't want to be "that guy" who reports others for generally insignificant reasons.

What is the best way to handle this situation?

Update:

So it turns out that the problem fixed itself as the nagging coworker received a notice due to multiple complaints from the client regarding his lack of commitment and work ethic and was allowed to leave immediately.

Arqan
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    What happens with the funds in the jar? I presume that you do not participate in it – Mawg says reinstate Monica Mar 01 '18 at 09:53
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    Please, what is your reason for not taking part in "jar fund"? If you could tell us about your motives so I could understand you more. – miroxlav Mar 01 '18 at 18:23
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    Not wanting to follow what everyone else is doing, just because everyone else is doing it, is not something you should ever have to justify. I sympathize as I once had a similar experience. I posted an answer about how I handled that instance. – Justin Ohms Mar 01 '18 at 21:04
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    Maybe he's joking? – Lightness Races in Orbit Mar 02 '18 at 01:04
  • Not sure if it would help or distance you further, but perhaps you could temporarily keep a private swear jar (black box) on the desk, and 'join' that by yourself. – Dennis Jaheruddin Mar 02 '18 at 10:18
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    Smile and says no. Repeat it until he starts cursing – jean Mar 02 '18 at 17:38
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    I would probably tell jokingly him to "f*** off", and see if he gets the point. Then again that would be taken in stride at my company, rather than resulting in a visit from HR. – Matthew Read Mar 02 '18 at 18:06
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    Your question is "I don't like having my behaviour controlled by others. How do I control someone else's behaviour?" Do you maybe see a problem with that? – Eric Lippert Mar 04 '18 at 15:02
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    @EricLippert what a ridiculous statement. How is attempting to stop someone from griefing you "controlling them"? – Arqan Mar 09 '18 at 11:16
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    @Arqan: Any attempt to make someone stop a behaviour or start a behaviour is an attempt to control their behaviour. The fact that you believe that your attempts are morally justified and their attempts are not is irrelevant. My point is: if there was a reliable way to make someone do something they'd already be using it on you. They're nagging you, you're nagging them right back, and neither side is effectively controlling the other because that's almost impossible to do. – Eric Lippert Mar 09 '18 at 14:39
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    My point is also: your question suggests that your behaviour is out of your own control: "I'm going to get unpleasant soon". That's under your control; if you don't want to get unpleasant then don't get unpleasant. No one is making you do anything, plainly. The only person whose behaviour you control under all circumstances is you, so take responsibility for controlling your own behaviour. – Eric Lippert Mar 09 '18 at 14:40
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    The viewpoint that we control our own behaviour, that we cannot control others, and that we must be fair and just in an unfair and unjust world is a foundational idea in western philosophy; see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stoicism for an overview. – Eric Lippert Mar 09 '18 at 14:47
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    Leaving aside the thrust of your question -- how to deal with a nagger -- there is an important aspect here that has not been explored. HR is trying to tell your team that there is the potential for someone to sue the company because of a hostile workplace. The proposed solution is to make a joke out of it, a joke which has the effect of documenting the number of times the hostile behaviour happens. Imagine if opposing counsel in the coming lawsuit asks "So, how many quarters were put in that jar per week?" If that number is larger than zero, you have a problem. – Eric Lippert Apr 20 '18 at 17:25
  • Related – rath Oct 08 '18 at 14:29

9 Answers9

423

Put a jar on your desk labeled "Nag Jar 25 cents" and insist that he drop in a quarter every time he mentions the swear jar.

A. I. Breveleri
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Unfortunately, not participating in this is going to get you labeled as "not a team player", which is a CLM (career limiting move) of the first order. My advice to you would be to participate, since you don't curse often, it would do little harm. Your concern in being "that guy" is indeed founded.

BUT

if you insist, here is the proper way to do so without doing major damage to your career, go to that person and say...

Look, I understand that the teams are participating in this, but I don't feel comfortable, so I am not. Please let this matter drop, the rest of the team has.

Then, if this person still persists...

Look, we've already discussed this and I am not participating. If we need to get your supervisor involved, we can, but I would prefer not to.

Then let the matter drop. If he still persists then, and only then approach his supervisor with...

Hi, I'm sorry to bother you with what might seem a petty matter, but I've had several conversations with Joe about letting the matter with the curse jar drop, and he won't. This is making me a bit uncomfortable, could you please talk to him?

Again, you don't want to make a huge issue of this, or you WILL BE "that guy"

Old_Lamplighter
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My suggestion (which has worked for me in analogous situations):

  1. "I am allergic to collective coercion." [the first nag of each week]
  2. "It's still a no, I am afraid." [after that, for a few times]
  3. "It's still a no." [for the rest of the day]
  4. "No." [for the rest of the week]

Always said in even and unperturbed voice, no matter how often it is repeated.

Don't even try to convince them to stop nagging. That's the key.

Captain Emacs
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    I am wondering why this was voted for deleting? My response was intended in earnest. Just trying to find out the reason, no complaints if there is one. – Captain Emacs Jul 05 '18 at 00:07
20

Next time he mentions it...

Calmly, pull out your wallet, pull out a $10 or $20 bill, make a giant and flamboyant gesture of walking over to the jar. Make sure you get everyone's attention. Make sure everyone sees the denomination of the bill. Even hold the bill stretched out right up to his face. (Always smiling of course.)

When everyone is watching, slowly put the bill into the jar while announcing that you are pre-paying for every swear you will make till the end of your career.

Alternatively, as J.R. suggested, you could go about it in an understated way. You probably know what is appropriate and will work best between you and them.

Walk away and tell them to stop bothering you about it.

Get back to work.

Justin Ohms
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    I upvoted this suggestion, because I like the idea of putting yourself in the black for awhile. It's probably the approach I would use. However, I'd recommend being understated rather than using a "giant and flamboyant" gesture, and I certainly wouldn't put it anywhere near is face. Sometimes understated speaks louder than grand. –  Mar 01 '18 at 21:28
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    @J.R. very true, it's probably best to judge the approach based on the personal style, the audience and your relationship with them – Justin Ohms Mar 01 '18 at 21:33
  • I'd probably do this as well, just to shut them up and see how they would possibly recuperate from such a move. Joke's on them. – Mast Mar 02 '18 at 07:02
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    Personally, I'd then go "Now will you stop !#@!#$ mentioning the #@$$ %%!#$ !@##$ swear jar?!" – Gustav Bertram Mar 02 '18 at 10:08
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    Yes. Voice of dark side must be heard. – talex Mar 02 '18 at 10:59
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    This is a bad answer. The OP does not want to participate. The nagger's nagging is the problem. – Tony Ennis Mar 04 '18 at 02:04
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    @TonyEnnis OP doesn't want to be monitored, so unless the nagger keeps a list and counts, the matter should be resolved. – Minix Mar 04 '18 at 18:16
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    @minix I was speaking mostly of taunting the nagger with the money, or actually giving him any. – Tony Ennis Mar 04 '18 at 18:28
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    @GustavBertram https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rVQGT01Kzg – Wayne Werner Mar 05 '18 at 05:23
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    @TonyEnnis I think you are correct that the nagging is the problem, and the OP doesn't want to participate. However sometimes it's best to pick your battle. IMO the nagging is the far more intrusive and ongoing issue than the money involved. Over participation in this case is an effective and immediate way shut it down. – Justin Ohms Mar 05 '18 at 15:58
8

Tell him you don’t carry change.

The last thing you want to do is play games - like bringing in your own “nag” jar. It only reinforces the confrontation.

Keep it professional, even if they don’t. Tell him you don’t have any change and you’re not playing his game. Then just stop responding, and get back to work.

Consider this: if you were to go to your manager over this, and asked him/her how to properly handle the issue, do you think he/she would say “Take it one step further. Bring in your own jar, label it ‘nag’, and set it on your desk.” Or would he/she say “just ignore them.”

Blair Fonville
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    Instead of some mildly passive aggressive behavior that comedically points out the issue, your solution is to lie and deflect the question? The actual professional route is to politely remind him that you aren't participating and ask him to stop bringing it up. – mbrig Mar 01 '18 at 19:49
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    @mbrig Where is the lie? Maybe he doesn’t have change. I can’t remember the last time I had a bunch of coins in my pocket. It’s been years. But if the OP does, and doesn’t want to “lie”, he can change it to something just as simple: “no thanks”. Still maintain professionalism, and ignore the childish games. – Blair Fonville Mar 01 '18 at 19:52
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    It is a very bad idea, because by stating that "you would but can't" you're essentially failing to express dissent towards the idea itself, and this can backfire whenever the colleague finds a way around such a poor excuse. – Patrick Trentin Mar 02 '18 at 11:15
  • I am answering with respect to the question, which clearly states that the OP has already expressed dissent. I don't believe more argument is necessary, between the OP and his colleague, to further that point. – Blair Fonville Mar 02 '18 at 19:51
  • @PatrickTrentin I think you’re overthinking it. The point is to brush it off and focus on his work. He’s already strongly expressed to the group that he has no interest (rightfully so) in participating. – Blair Fonville Mar 02 '18 at 20:33
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    @AytAyt My intention was only to point out that there may be alternative impressions off the accepted answer. In my view, it’s not an appropriate response to take in a place of business. I don’t disparage A.I., or anyone on this site. But fair point, whether I agree with it or not. – Blair Fonville Mar 02 '18 at 22:44
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Next time he nags about it, just look at him in the eyes and say all the swear words that come through your mind.

More seriously, if you've already explicitly told him you didn't take part in the jar thingy (i.e. explicitly stated "I don't do the swear jar. Please stop pestering me about it."), having a talk with his team leader could be rather harmless if done correctly and defuse the situation rather than going straight to HR.

If you go to the team leader for this issue, be sure to expose the problem while trying not to make a big issue about it or throw blame on your coworker. Something in the line :

Hey chief, you know I don't participate to the swear jar, right ? Could you have a quick word with Bob to tell him to avoid reminding me to contribute to it ?

If Bob takes it badly it could reflect on his behaviour toward you and may lead to him / the rest of the team putting you off as a negative nancy.

David K
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Aserre
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    Leading with jokes about really ill-advised behavior generally lowers the quality of an answer. If you must joke, it's better at the end (although this reduces your chances to make it clear that it's a joke). – jpmc26 Mar 01 '18 at 07:08
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    Aserre, I edited your answer to remove the code backticks and replaced it with italics. We don't use backticks to emphasize text on this site, one reason being that it can cause issues for screen readers. You can read more on the topic here. – David K Mar 01 '18 at 16:40
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We're all being monitored whether we like it or not. You choose not to participate. That's your prerogative, but you should have anticipated some consequences.

Usually, people nag like this because the noticed that it bothers you. You showed him that this gets to you, so he keeps doing it. Taking other action could make it worse.

You decided to go this route, so I suggest you work very hard on ignoring this person and demonstrating to everyone else, in some other way, that you are a team player. Maybe you could suggest that a fine should be paid for any type of annoying behavior. Eventually, he'll look like a fool for his behavior especially in an open environment.

-4

Agree to join the swear jar on the condition that for every day you don't swear at all, you get to take a handful out of it. And quit swearing.

CCTO
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you need to escalate to your manager immediately.

" To make it clear - I don't care about having a good relationship with that person anymore "

the above is a very bad sign for team work, and your manager needs to know about it. it's better to stop things quickly before they fester into something worse.

Also, as an aside, next time it might be best to join in on team activities when everyone else is party to it. Doing otherwise reduces your social capital - is hard to get someone to follow your initiative if you are seen as an outsider

bharal
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    I generally have no problems with joining team initiatives and being social with coworkers but I didn't like this particular one at all and definitely wouldn't join just because everyone else did. – Arqan Feb 28 '18 at 15:49
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    @Arqan noted. but be aware that everyone else noted too. and next time your want someone to do something that they don't want to do, well, they have a internal reason to not do it. – bharal Feb 28 '18 at 15:52
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    "Also, as an aside, next time it might be best to join in on team activities when everyone else is party to it." - You were going to get a +1 from me right up until that comment. Now I have to downvote. (sigh) – Wesley Long Feb 28 '18 at 15:56
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    is hard to get someone to follow your initiative if you are seen as an outsider - This whole 'swear jar initiative' is a trivial matter that is entirely unrelated to work. If it becomes a problem with respect to work itself, the OP should look for a new job - coworkers are a bunch of immature a-holes. I'm with @WesleyLong here. – Vector Feb 28 '18 at 18:40
  • @WesleyLong what's the problem with telling someone to engage with the team? – bharal Feb 28 '18 at 19:32
  • @Vector you realise this is almost exactly the same advice as the leading answer, right? – bharal Feb 28 '18 at 19:35
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    Because it sets a horrible precedent. You don't coerce someone like this. Especially by taking their money, no matter how trivial the amount. It's demeaning, and to suffer that for the sake of "engaging the team" makes it a dozen times worse. I, personally, would have taken the jar, dumped the money out on the counter, and thrown it into the trash forcefully enough to break it if someone had tried that with me. – Wesley Long Feb 28 '18 at 20:01
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    @bharal - I don't care - I don't look at ratings. I read answers and upvote or downvote and/or comment. This answer emphasizes certain points.... escalate to your manager immediately ?!? Great way to make yourself look like a complete A-hole to everybody, from the manager on down. (BTW the leading answer says exactly opposite. ) what's the problem with telling someone to engage with the team? - this has nothing to do with "engaging with the team" - it has nothing to do with work at all - nothing but imposed social conformity. – Vector Mar 01 '18 at 19:08
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    How is that a work-related thing, besides the fact "it happens at work". My team buys a weekly lotto ticket. I don't participate (I know enough statistics to know lotto is a stupid way to spend money). It has nothing to do with work. I NEVER participated, always made it clear I will never participate (and why). It hasn't limited my career in ANY way.... and if it did... I would likely switch companies, as I don't want to work for people who take things as silly as this that seriously. OP was clear he doesn't want to participate + has decent reasons to. Why force them? – Patrice Mar 02 '18 at 18:40
  • @Patrice, it's just about fitting in socially. Generally, leaders are picked from the people who best get along with others. Anything that you can do to fit in is always a good idea, and avoiding incidents - of the type the OP is having - is recommended. But YMMV. – bharal Mar 02 '18 at 18:43
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    @bharal the intent of the swear jar is to have people swear less. OP already doesn't swear (or very little). How is that non-conforming? he just doesn't want to play the "swear jar" game. And again, I'm sorry but if joining or not joining such a silly thing is how your company chooses their leaders.... or if your leader isn't able to lead simply by being a good example to follow/leading by inspiring his team, without paying a quarter every time they say "damn", like everyone else.... then I have issues with the companies/leaders, not with that silly quarter they pay (or not). – Patrice Mar 02 '18 at 18:46
  • @Patrice leaders are picked by whether they will be able to lead or not. Being able to convince people is part of being able to lead. Loners very rarely are able to do this - think of every story/game/movie, the loner is normally derided and cast aside. Now. maybe they're right, and often they are (at least, in the stories. In real life... doubtful)... but they're not leaders. Leaders would be well advised, then, to listen to all the angles, even from loners. But the point stands - if you want to be promoted, you need to fit in. – bharal Mar 02 '18 at 19:00
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    You get promoted by doing good work, showing you can do more, and displaying the required qualities to be a leader. A good leader can and should say no if they don't believe in something. If you are a leader that just does things to "fit in", you are a yes-man, not a leader. A real leader can disagree (horizontally OR vertically in their hierarchy) and still be respected. It's all about how you challenge or how you stand out. – Patrice Mar 02 '18 at 19:14
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    @Patrice yes, this is what many people belive. Then, to their dismay, their more popular peers get ahead. You are comparing, i'm afraid, the idea of a leader with what it takes to become a leader. There is a reason companies send their leaders off to lovely retreats in palm-filled oases. Getting along and social-capital are requisite to become a leader. You might want good leaders - but consider. Who is the leader of the country you are in? Did they get that job because they are right all the time... or because they were more likable? How did they even get recommended for the job? – bharal Mar 02 '18 at 19:22