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Recently, my mom, for whatever reason, has started accusing my dad of cheating or messaging this other woman.

Initially, I tried to stay out of it but I couldn’t when I heard the “evidence” my mom came up with.

She said stuff like WhatsApp messages and my dad being online within 5 mins of this other woman even though my dad has his work WhatsApp stuff.

Plus, my dad doesn’t have this woman’s number at all, but she keeps persisting. Next, because my dad uses an iPhone, she accused him of using the iPhone “restriction” setting to hide the messages even though:

  1. restriction is a child safety feature
  2. there’s no way to hide it

She seems blinded to this paranoia and refuses to see reason. And this is affecting me too. I would move out but finances are a bit stretched at the moment. Any idea how to resolve this?

I want to try and convince my mom to at least listen to reason. But so far any attempt I try doesn’t work

OldPadawan
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Luminarycolour
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    Welcome! What resolution do you want? We need some guidance from you regarding what you're looking for in a solution to this problem. You say that it's affecting you - tell us how (at least a little, you don't have to share too much if you don't want to). Also, your age range and gender might matter here as well as your cultural background (usually where you live, broadly). Also, do you know that your dad is or is not cheating? – Catija Dec 16 '17 at 05:25
  • @Catija hey there just want to know like my available options? It’s just affecting me cause I’ve been quite close to them since young (only child) and seeing this go on for months is taking a toll. I’m 24 going 25, male & from Singapore so pretty much an Asian background. Well my mom has done everything from finding WhatsApp to keeping my dads phone witj her & its more of the fact that there’s been no evidence he’s been in contact. She starts claiming that she saw the message diverted to her or like all the impossible stuff that cannot be done. Also my dad is not tech-savvy at all. – Luminarycolour Dec 16 '17 at 05:27
  • If we don't know what your goal is (convince your mom your dad's not cheating, for example, or get your parents to actually talk about it directly, or seek out marriage counseling) your question is a bit broad. You've spent a lot of time telling us what your mom's doing but not any time telling us about what we can help you with. [edit] your question to add some detail. – Catija Dec 16 '17 at 05:30
  • Okay I’ve edited it. Mainly just trying to figure out the next step forward. As much as I don’t want to get involved in this, her claims are bordering on absurd so I had to say something – Luminarycolour Dec 16 '17 at 05:54
  • Do you have anyone else in your household? Siblings? Any other relatives? – Vylix Dec 17 '17 at 11:27
  • Please change the title. It should be a question! – reinierpost Feb 16 '18 at 08:50

1 Answers1

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Your Mom has an idea in her head. Regardless of the truth of that idea, it is in her head and won't easily leave because she has interpreted what she has seen as evidence that supports her idea.

So, I'm going to recommend that you don't attack the facts; because, she's already decided that her facts are correct. Besides, she's taken a stand on her ideas, and she's unlikely to change that without suffering a lot of indignity.

So tell her the impact of her actions. Avoid talking about the possible infidelity, but talk about how you feel due to the things she is doing and saying in your presence.

She will appeal to you by trying to change the conversation, indicating that you should be concerned with how she feels. This is natural, but it drags you back into a world where she gets to ignore the consequences of her actions.

Her actions are hurting you. You can agree that she is hurting, but you should be very careful in agreeing that because she's hurting, she gets understanding or compassion in her assistance to hurt others (including you).

Edwin Buck
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    I worry that this answer only gets the mother to stop acting the way she is in-front of OP, potentially bottling her feelings for OP's sake which is not really the goal – Jesse Dec 16 '17 at 14:47
  • @Jesse What I hear is the Mom asking the child to engage in the argument "but I couldn't when I heard the evidence my mom came up with". It was a well meaning mistake, but before much progress can be made, the mistake must be undone to the extent it can be. We (and I'm including the poster) don't know the full details. Perhaps the Mom is insecure due to reasons not presented. We don't know, but assuming that all these problems are resolved between the parents today, it won't undo the problems between the poster and their mom (and their dad) that come from this spat. – Edwin Buck Dec 16 '17 at 15:08
  • Good answer. Maybe he did or maybe he didn't, sometimes it's impossible to know the truth. But what now? Does the mother bring up this issue everyday for the next couple of months or years (I know such a case)? Or does she want to move forward regardless of what happened or not happened? –  Feb 16 '18 at 04:32
  • @Jesse: This question is about helping the OP (approach his mother in an IPS manner), not helping OP's mom with her trust issues (at OP's cost). An IPS question inherently assumes that the mother is able to listen to reason (when explained in a way she understands it). If her issues run deeper than that, IPS isn't going to be the solution anyway. – Flater Feb 16 '18 at 10:25