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Background:

I am in a "let's occasionally do some Star Trek Themed Roleplay via IRC"-group that includes a couple I have known for ages. The group has one more member, but he is totally unaware of the past history.

Due to personal issues, me easily submitting to stuff and them occasionally being very dominant and being in a "two against one"-position against me there came a phase when they really hurt me... a lot. Hard words where exchanged, I wasn't on the best of my behaviour either, feelings were hurt, the whole thing.

She apologized, we had some talks, I am fine with her.

He, on the other hand, went way too far, and still has not apologized or even mentioned anything about being sorry!

I tried to apologize. Admittedly, I may have added a few "but.."'s at the time, I am not sure of how exactly I put it. I am not really sure if he ever realized it was an apology, because he was still very subtly nasty to me by ignoring me. I tried to reach out, but there was the point at which the wall of ice he had set up just was too much.

On three separate occasions, in an attempt to defend his girlfriend, he basically said: "You will regret acting like this, I do have ways to make sure of that!". I was actually terrified the first time he did that. Another time he did that, I called him out at it, asking him what he thought he actually could do! This ended with his girlfriend telling me to stop talking to him like that.

Now, I know I overreacted, but still: he was aware how terrified this kind of talk made me the first time, he actually was hurt when hearing I took it that seriously, because it implied he would actually hurt me, and he thought I was terrible for ever feeling that way!

Current situation:

I cannot really talk to him about it, she refuses to get involved in that topic, and ever since I have been too worried to ever complain about anything during roleplaying, or mention anything that might spark disagreement. I would love to get that out of the way, but don't know how.

Our only contact is currently taking place via chat. I actually avoided meeting her on two occasions when I was in their area, even though I would have loved to see her again, because I worried she might bring him along.

Question:

My wish is to have a relaxed relationship with her again, being able to talk about just anything, as it used to be. My main fear is that if there ever is any dissent between us again, he will again push himself in, and attack me verbally for daring to have what should be a harmless, short-lived argument with her. How can I approach her about my fears without her striking out at me for daring to have any mistrust towards her SO? She loves him very much, but I would very much like to stay out of his sight forever.

I would be fine with leaving the RP-group even, but I admit I am worried she would not understand my reasons. So... what do I tell her, and how do I explain without her being angry and hurt?

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Layna
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  • Okay... you leave me with a lot of questions. Is the rest of the roleplaying group aware of the trouble? What kind of outcome would you like here, what exactly is your question? You state you can't talk to him about it, why not, because of his attitude or are you unwilling to? Do you know why he's mad at you, is it for acting nasty to his girlfriend? – Tinkeringbell Nov 28 '17 at 11:52
  • Have you apologized? You stated she did, he didn't... But what about you? – Tinkeringbell Nov 28 '17 at 11:55
  • "and he thought I was terrible for ever feeling that way!" Does that mean that he is angry at you for taking him serious? Do you still enjoy roleplaying with them (or in that group)? – Anne Daunted GoFundMonica Nov 28 '17 at 12:07
  • Voted to close as it's unclear what you're asking. – Kevin Nov 28 '17 at 12:25
  • Is your only contact with these people via chat? – Tinkeringbell Nov 28 '17 at 13:25
  • Currently, yes, it's only via chat, but that's because I actually avoided meeting her on two occasions when I was in their area, even though I would have loved to see her again, because I worried she might bring him along. – Layna Nov 28 '17 at 14:02
  • Good. Now, have you apologized? You stated she did, he didn't... But what about you? – Tinkeringbell Nov 28 '17 at 14:06
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    Well, I tried to apologize. Admittedly, I may have added a few "but.."'s at the time, I am not sure of how exactly I put it. I am not really sure if he ever realized it WAS an apology, because he was still very subtly nasty to me (basically, not even saying "hello" and "goodbye!" anymore in group chat when I was the only one present...), let alone him daring to say anything about any apologies. Even "Happy Birthday"-messages went totally ignored! I tried to apologize, I tried to reach out, but there was the point at which the wall of ice he had set up just was too much. – Layna Nov 28 '17 at 14:22
  • You sound like you've moslly been on the receiving end of the abuse. Why apologize if you were the victim? You don't need to apologize for being rude towards someone who attacks you without a legitimate reason (ie, just for sadistic fun), no matter how good they may be at convincing you that you deserved it... So this bit is unclear. –  Nov 28 '17 at 16:06
  • @Layna Has she expressed the same desire as you about you two talking like you used to? To me it seems that you are lifting most of the weight as far as her boyfriend's behavior is concerned. Have you considered that if she really wanted things to change or be good again, that perhaps she would have had a word with her boyfriend about the whole thing? Can she not ask her boyfriend to let it go and not verbally harass you again? She just appears powerless... – Tycho's Nose Nov 28 '17 at 20:52
  • @Tycho'sNose She did, yes, even if not in so many words. But.. looking at it like this, yes, you may be right, this SHOULD be on her as well. I guess I should draw some lines there, making sure that my REAL needs are met for a change, insetad of those she THINKS I have. She is really working in this in my direction and at the same time not adressing the elephant in the room. – Layna Nov 28 '17 at 21:13

2 Answers2

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Short Answer:

I don't think you can. Not in the long run.

Long Answer:

So long as she and he are a couple, and he is determined to hold a grudge, the odds of your having a good/close/healthy relationship with her are very low.

Further more, based on your description, if you begin a conversation about this situation with her, he will mostly likely see it as you continuing/renewing the argument and will attack you for the perceived infraction.

Even more importantly I find his statement:

"You will regret acting like this, I do have ways to make sure of that!".

to be very concerning. I don't want to blow this out of proportion but make no mistake any average Jane or Joe with an ax to grind can make your life miserable with out resorting to violence.

"You will regret acting like this" is probably a true statement for most arguments but to say "I do have ways to make sure of that!" is vengeful, and that's not good.

Basically he has promised to make you pay. This verbal threat combined with his continue poor treatment of you causes me great concern for you. It is most likely that he only means to make you pay emotionally (id.he intends to emotionally abuse you) but emotional pain can be just as hard as physical pain to deal with. And I'm sure you, like me, would prefer neither. So why chance either. He has told you what he intends to do and followed it up with action. You should run.

It is mostly likely in your best interest to stay away from him and any one connected to him, including her. Don't say anything, since in his angery and bitter mind frame he will most likely twist anything you say into an insult. Just disappear from their lives and make a new set of friends. Preferably ones with a little more patience and forgiveness.

"Sometimes the thing we love the most is the thing we most need to sacrifice for our happiness." - paraphrased from Dr. Jordan Peterson.

I'm sorry for your situation, good luck.

Dan Anderson
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  • @AnneDaunted thank you I've edited my answer to correct that. – Dan Anderson Nov 28 '17 at 17:57
  • Thanks for the last quote. Also.. it made me think. He seems to have a talent to hit me in incredible subtle ways, ways that would make me sound stupid if I told anyone that it DID hurt me. Now I wonder if it is an instinct he has or if it is calculated. But seeigfn it written down.. yes, yes he did follow through, in his very own way. – Layna Nov 28 '17 at 21:30
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I tried to apologize. Admittedly, I may have added a few "but.."'s at the time, I am not sure of how exactly I put it. I am not really sure if he ever realized it was an apology, because he was still very subtly nasty to me by ignoring me. I tried to reach out, but there was the point at which the wall of ice he had set up just was too much.

The thing about asking for forgiveness is that you regret your actions despite the other part actions were they right or wrong. It was you apologizing, that's up to them to accept or not, even if what they did was worse. when you added these "buts..." it may have sounded like you were apologizing only to point a finger on their wrongs and not a true apology. People can be too proud sometimes, so when apologizing be prepared not to be asked back.

She loves him very much, but I would very much like to stay out of his sight forever.

I'm afraid to say but as long as they are together, this one shall be a bit difficult. It could work on short-term but in the long-term those bad feelings on what happened would still be with you.

Our only contact is currently taking place via chat. I actually avoided meeting her on two occasions when I was in their area, even though I would have loved to see her again, because I worried she might bring him along.

How can I approach her about my fears without her striking out at me for daring to have any mistrust towards her SO?

If you are too worried she might bring her him along, your best approach would be to contact her via chat. Tell her how you feel, that you would like to talk about what happened, that you value your relationship and would like to hang with her, but that you still have hard feelings on what happened and is worried that it might start another argument if you and her SO meet up again, even a little threatened by what he said, if she values the relationship as much as you do she should understand.

Chances are he already moved on depending on how long it's been or how harsh it was but is too stubborn for an apology.

NaiceGuy1
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  • It is so hard to tell with him if he moved on or not... but I guess I DO need to tell her how I do feel. I just wish I coudl really make my regret clear... Humans are HARD to understand! – Layna Nov 28 '17 at 21:34