How to tell someone that he should go on vacation without his possessive girlfriend

Question

My best friend and I (both male) were debating about going on a weekend trip next week. After a long talk, he finally said that he should leave his girlfriend for 2 days to be with me.

Just one hour after that, his girlfriend said that it's been 3 years (they are together since that time too) since she's always thinking about suicide. Now he doesn't spend time away from her because he feels guilty when he leaves her alone.

I'm not saying that his girlfriend is lying, that's not the question, just that he should leave her for some days because he has no social life anymore since she is not okay with letting him go without her.

How can I point out everything that's wrong with his approach, since he is always complaining that he can't do anything without her?

Is the GF going to a therapy? She should get professional help if she says that she has been thinking about suicide for a long time. He should point that out to her if she currently isn't in therapy but still has these thoughts. — Secespitus, Oct 27 '17 at 13:21
Are you male or female? If you are female, she might feel weird about her boyfriend going on vacation with a female friend alone. — Tycho's Nose, Oct 27 '17 at 13:46
@Tycho'sNose - and so that's an acceptable reason to threaten to kill yourself? Aren't relationships supposed to be built on trust in the first place? Your argument is literally that we should hold our significant others hostage because no one can really be trusted? — AndreiROM, Oct 27 '17 at 13:53
@AndreiROM Hold your horses! It certainly isn't an acceptable reason and nor do I mean what you accuse me of in your comment, but the question hasn't specified that the suicide is related to him going away for a few days. This has been going on for three years the OP said. Also, are you really confident you know enough about the dynamics of the relationships involved? — Tycho's Nose, Oct 27 '17 at 13:58
@Secespitus I told him to bring her to the doctor asap since talking about suicide can mean anything. She is going on a therapy soon now. — Meow, Oct 27 '17 at 14:01
@Tycho'sNose I'm a male but for you to know I already saw her becoming crazy because an ex female friend (not gf) was talking to him. — Meow, Oct 27 '17 at 14:03
@AndreiROM Tycho's appart, I totally agree with your vision. Couple should be 2 people forming an union, not an union forming a couple. What is happening there is not sane at all. — Meow, Oct 27 '17 at 14:05
@Catheart Well I'm glad she's getting help soon. It sounds like she really needs it and he would definitely feel relieved as well. — Tycho's Nose, Oct 27 '17 at 14:05
@Catheart I hope she finds a good therapist/psychiatrist. Good luck. — Tycho's Nose, Oct 27 '17 at 14:07
@Tycho'sNose I hope so.. I'm scared of bad therapist that worsen the situation. — Meow, Oct 27 '17 at 14:11
I'm voting to close this question as off-topic because of the suicide threat. Some of the people involved in the question need professional help. — Tycho's Nose, Oct 27 '17 at 14:38
@Tycho'sNose Well technically, she isn't threatening him. She said she was thinking about it and my question is : How to tell someone that he should go on vacation without his possessive girlfriend. We're talking about my friend and me, not about the girl, she isn't the subject at all. — Meow, Oct 27 '17 at 14:41
@Catheart But she is the subject. "On vacation without his possessive girlfriend." — paparazzo, Oct 27 '17 at 14:47
@Catheart If the suicide is unrelated to the problem your friend is facing, perhaps you could edit that part out. Otherwise please clarify the connection so there are no false assumptions. — Tycho's Nose, Oct 27 '17 at 19:51

score 13 · Accepted Answer · answered Oct 27 '17 at 13:52

13

Your friend is in an abusive relationship, and it's often very difficult for people in those situations to realize that that's the case.

Speaking to him is not likely to be enough. Instead, do some research, and point him in the direction of some useful resources.

Threatening to harm oneself if the other person doesn't do what you want them to is a form of psychological and emotional abuse, and a very powerful one at that. There are a lot of articles and YouTube videos on the subject, and I encourage you to inform yourself, then point your own friend at those resources.

It might be beneficial to snag a couple of hours alone, and simply watch some of those videos together. Maybe get a group of you who genuinely care about him, and try to get through to him that he need not be alone in this terrible situation. Encourage him to get help, if not for him, then for his girlfriend.

If you really care about him, don't simply write him off, help him overcome this terrible time in his life.

answered Oct 27 '17 at 13:52

AndreiROM

17,141
9
68
64

Thanks a lot for this constructive answer. I won't leave him alone nor blame him for this. Actually, I (personnaly) don't like the idea that he refuses to admit that she is abusive. It actually hurt me that he is being manipulated by very low and dishonorable methods cause he is also ultra sensible and try to never hurt anyone. I hope that he will change one day cause he sometimes talk about how unsatisfied he is with his life , not being able to say no. – Meow Oct 27 '17 at 14:17
3

@catheart - I've (peripherally) known people who were stuck in these situations, and the power of denial can be a force to be reckoned with. Some people are simply emotional leeches, and once they get their hooks into someone, it's incredibly difficult to get their victim to try and fight back (figuratively). We often don't want to admit that loved ones are harming, or manipulating us, or that they may even not love us at all. It's good news that this woman will be getting help, but perhaps your friend should also be getting help from a different professional. – AndreiROM Oct 27 '17 at 15:45
"We often don't want to admit that loved ones are harming", the day I've understood this, it changed my life. I guess that everyone has to figure that out. I talked with him, he is not okay to see someone, he is not denying the fact that it could help. On the other hand, he did listened to me when I asked him to buy a book about "Messiah complex" (Don't know if it's the literal traduction of : Le syndrome du sauveur" in french). He will also find out what is an abusive relationship by researching article on internet until he understand what is it. – Meow Oct 27 '17 at 15:56
@catheart - Je comprends. It's also very painful to realize that sometime we should cut someone like that out of our lives rather than try take the responsibility for their well-being onto our shoulders. It can be a life-changing decision, and not in a good way. If someone is "damaged goods", perhaps letting them go their own way - with their own family and friends caring for them - is the best thing you can do. – AndreiROM Oct 27 '17 at 16:58
1

I agree with you. I think this is an abusive relationship since she told him that he could repeat what she said to me but not to her family. It looks like she was trying to use my friend to say "I will use anything to keep him". The problem is that he is not acting like an adult. Hard to say, but easy to see. For her it's not okay to let him go on vocation with his friends, but it's okay for her to go with her family without him. It's not that I don't like her or something, she has a H U G E problem to work on and I think that my friend should not be responsible and ruin his life for this. – Meow Oct 27 '17 at 17:09

score 5 · Answer 2 · answered Oct 27 '17 at 18:49

Having read comments and question I have to say I'm getting quite a different view of this than some people seem to.

My best friend and I (both male) were debating about going on a weekend trip next week. After a long talk, he finally said that he should leave his girlfriend for 2 days to be with me.

So no problem.

Just one hour after that, his girlfriend said that it's been 3 years (they are together since that time too) since she's always thinking about suicide.

She didn't threaten suicide, she apparently just mentioned it. There's no hint here or in your comments that it was a threat (you actually state it was not a threat in a comment).

So actually this could be interpreted as someone simply expressing how important their significant other is to them.

You don't even say she demanded he not go on the trip or take her along.

THere's actually no problem with her actions as far as I can make out.

Now he doesn't spend time away from her because he feels guilty when he leaves her alone.

That's his guilty feeling, not hers.

In a practical sense it sounds like he's as much the problem, if not all of it.

He probably should go on the trip simply so they do spend time apart and learn it's quite possible and reasonable to. But there is no hint in your remarks that she has a problem with this at all. Only that he has a problem with it.

I'm not saying that his girlfriend is lying, that's not the question, just that he should leave her for some days because he has no social life anymore since she is not okay with letting him go without her.

Did she say that ? That's not what you said. And your comments seem to contradict this. She didn't make a threat. She doesn't seem to have made a demand.

And, incidentally, people in long term relationships often do fall into patterns of not going out often without each other. I think you may be reading far more into this than is actually there.

How can I point out everything that's wrong with his approach, since he is always complaining that he can't do anything without her?

How much of that is his feeling guilty for no reason ?

Is she actually a problem ? It's certainly at least ambivalent from your question and comments.

Have you considered that he may be the one who is reluctant to leave her alone ? Maybe he's blaming her for this, when she's quite innocent. I have a friend who tends to cut his (rare) evenings out with the lads short and I think it's down to his own sense of discomfort at not being comfortably at home with the wife. Some blokes like their domestic role more than they like to let on.

All of your negative information on her seems to be from him with one exception :

I already saw her becoming crazy because an ex female friend (not gf) was talking to him

I have news for you : current girlfriends don't like it one little bit when you start talking to your ex-girlfriends.

Unless she pulled a knife, started throwing objects or committed an actual assault (when sober - drunk doesn't count for judging her general mental state) then this could be just simple jealousy and not in the least unusual.

Frankly you could be building a mare's nest out of nothing.

I think you need to step back from this and reconsider what you really and reliably know. Not just what your friend tells you, but what you can independently vouch for and which you know all the facts about.

Your answer is full of logic and impartiality. It's "funny" because in the end, I finnaly told him that he should read a book about the "messiah complex". She said "okay you can go" but he said that she was not talking seriously which gave me a reason to think that he may be the problem. BUT, it seems that she does everything to keep him acting like this. — Meow, Oct 30 '17 at 08:02

How to tell someone that he should go on vacation without his possessive girlfriend

2 Answers2