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As an autistic person, I have noticed that when I speak directly, in a flat voice; often this can be perceived as threatening or trying to challenge the status quo - when I'm simply asking for the purpose of understanding.

My Goal:

My goal is to improve my communication with the neurotypical (NT) people in my life and find some way to rephrase questions and statements so that my intention accurately comes across, rather than being misunderstood.

Some Examples of what I mean:

Me: Why do you feel that way?

How it gets perceived by NTs: You're psychoanalyzing me.

How I mean it: I seek to understand how you are feeling to connect with you empathetically.

Me: What if we did it that way?

How it gets perceived by NTs: You disagree with the ways I'm currently doing it. I take offense to you requesting to one up me by suggesting a better solution than mine.

How I mean it: I value improvement within the process. I can think of many possibilities, and it could be worth trying it out, although there is nothing currently wrong with the way we are doing it; maybe better solutions do exist.

Me: So, you're feeling angry because your core need of connecting with others is unmet?

How it gets perceived by NTs: Why are you trying to be my therapist and solve my issues for me when I just want to vent?

How I mean it: I am trying to empathetically connect to you, understanding your feeling and core needs, so that we can align on shared core needs and so that you might feel better.

Me: offers a solution to a problem an NT has presented
NT: is resentful that solution is there

How I mean it: Why ask for advice if you don't actually want it?

NT: Asks for advice
Me: Gives advice, NT does not follow said advice, continues to "vent" about problem I have already solved

How I mean it: See above

Me: gives a compliment to someone next to them
NT: assumes that if I compliment one person, that I must be insulting another one. Then seeks to change discussion to shift focus back to them

How I mean it: The world is beautiful. I love commenting on small details about people that I find fascinating. Just because I compliment one person does not mean I'm insulting another, there's more than enough compliments to go around.

Me: If you want me to make dinner alone, I don't mind it, you can go relax

How it gets perceived: Why are you being so condescending? Do you think I'm incapable of making dinner myself?

How I mean it: I'm offering to make dinner for you, because I think you deserve a nice night to relax and not worry about making dinner.

Me: picking up the phone from my NT, NT is very drunk and very angry about something.
Me: What are you angry about?
NT: NT lists off what's making them feel angry and I listen, being very careful not to interrupt
Me: So, you're upset because person "XYZ" said this to you and you felt invalidated by it, and you're angry because your core need of being understood is unmet?
NT: You're right I'm f****** angry, no one cares about me and I do everything
Me: I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Yeah, I know how frustrating it feels when my core need of being understood isn't met.
NT: Is all that you can say, yeahhhhhh?
NT Proceeds to continue cursing on the phone, then decides to hang up

How I mean it: I'd like to set a boundary that I'm unwilling to talk to you in this drunken state, though I do not know the best way of doing that other than validating your feelings, making sure you are in a safe place and not harming yourself or others physically.

This is my attempt to empathetically communicate with your struggles so that you remember you're never alone and I deeply care about you.

Other nuances I have tried

As a result of this miscommunication process, I subconsciously raise my voice when talking to most people. It's a type of masking in the hopes that regardless of what I ask, if I ask it in a friendly tone of voice, people will understand that I am trying to be kind.

It helps a lot - but it is quite exhausting to never be able to use my natural voice without it being misunderstood or sounding "pissed".

It's like resting bitch face but with vocal chords.

So, how can I adjust my communication style while communicating to NTs so that what I am trying to convey comes across clearly?

There is never a time where I am trying to respond to anything in an aggressive way. I simply ask questions to clarify and full understand the social or emotional situation.

Em C
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Kelsey
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    One example you give is that when you say "What if we did it that way?" it's perceived as "You disagree with the ways I'm currently doing it". Is that not true? Or do you suggest changes to procedures just to suggest changes, regardless of whether you think that they are improvements? – DaveG Sep 24 '22 at 00:59
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    I’m pretty sure I understand what you mean by NT. However it sounds like a me against the world point of view to label most of the world. Surely these people are not a monolithic with only one universal attitude. – George White Sep 24 '22 at 21:58
  • Yes, exactly DaveG. It's not true, like i don't disagree with the current process at all. – Kelsey Sep 24 '22 at 23:04
  • I like to look for changes to procedures if I think there's a way that could be useful or more efficient or simpler to understand. Like; i don't disagree with the current process if it works. But sometimes there's other ways to simplify an idea so it is more easily understood, you know? – Kelsey Sep 24 '22 at 23:05
  • George, of course NTs are not monolithic. I specified NT because; I don't have communication issues with NDs. (Some NDs are ADHD, some are autistic, etc). I wanted to specify exactly that I'm referring to Neurotypical so the question is easily understood. I think labels are important for clarity. – Kelsey Sep 24 '22 at 23:07
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    I find it hard to understand that all autistic people and all dyslexic people understand you one way and all neurotypical people understand you a different way. And it occurs to me that your thinking of “us” as all in one category of person could be an impediment to communication with “us”. I’m guessing you are not like all other ND people and neither are the people you label all alike. My comment boils down to - maybe you are incorrect that correct labeling is important, maybe labeling in a black and white way is a symptom of the problem. Hope this give helpful food for thought. – George White Sep 25 '22 at 05:16
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    "Sounding pissed" - in UK English, "pissed" is drunk. "pissed off" is annoyed. – gnasher729 Sep 26 '22 at 10:23
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    Most NTs react to other NTs the ways you've described. We just wave it off and carry on. We deal with other people being unreasonable because we know we're unreasonable most of the time. – Agent_L Sep 30 '22 at 12:35
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    as an asperger myself ... i would re-phrase your responses to be conditional "Could we discuss an alternative"... "I'm not sure if this is important, what would be your view?" or replace "If you want me to make dinner alone, I don't mind it, you can go relax" with "I'm happy to make dinner, why dont you go and relax?". Your responses are very "final", they don't invite further comment. Raising your voice in pitch is not going to help, you need to soften it, if anything. – bigbadmouse Oct 03 '22 at 12:20
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    Wow, these are the same responses I am eliciting myself too! Never knew there are others with the same problem. Even my minister, who is retired now, said that in his 18 years as an ordained minister, he's never encountered a person like me... – Alex Nov 11 '22 at 18:39

3 Answers3

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I think you have to moderate what you say based on who you are talking to and the expectations of that relationship.

You have mentioned a couple of scenarios that make me think this is happening with close friends or a significant other. If that is the case I would recommend finding some time when you are both comfortable to discuss this issue face-to-face. Everyone communicates differently, one hopes that friends and partners should be understanding. Ask them directly what about your line of questioning bothers them. It's also possible that you are reading into their responses in a way that they don't intend.

Furthermore, expanding on what gnasher said, not only are what you say, and what others hear different, what you say, and what you mean are also different. For example:

Me: Why do you feel that way?

How I mean it: I seek to understand how you are feeling to connect with you empathetically.

Aligning what you say and what you mean will give more of the rationale behind your questions, something that seems to be often misunderstood. Perhaps:

I know you're feeling down and that sucks. Can you tell me why exactly you're feeling that way? You're my friend, and I'd really like to understand why you're feeling this way.

In this response, I also included an empathetic comment which can be appropriate even if you don't understand exactly why your communication partner is feeling the way they do.

Regarding your conversations around providing solutions and continued frustration for both parties. Sometimes people complain about a specific problem not because they want the problem solved but because they want some sort of emotional confirmation. I live in a foreign country and I sometimes call my parents to complain about bureaucratic issues. Frequently, I already know the solution, but I still would like to complain and hear a simple "that sounds really frustrating." It's up to you to decide if you want to engage with people in that way or not.

Lastly, using language like “keen to understand" or "core need to connect with others is unmet" comes off as very clinical, cold, and distant. Most people in my friend circle would bristle at hearing that and I would recommend not using it.

As an aside, I found Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People, while in many ways dated, very instructive on changing things in my communication style that were inadvertently putting people off.

A J
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Nathan Port
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  • 1 for noting that ‘ "core need to connect with others is unmet" comes off as very clinical, cold, and distant.’ And weird.
    • – George White Sep 27 '22 at 07:41
  • Carnegie's book is strange. You can use it in a cynical way to try to manipulate people - I can guarantee that you will be found out and it will backfire. Or you can just take it at face value, practice to be a nicer person, and get the rewards. – gnasher729 Sep 27 '22 at 08:37
  • @gnasher729 I agree... so much of seems to be used for taking advantage of others, but lots of it is truly helpful advice. For me personally the bit about not having to be right was most useful. – Nathan Port Sep 27 '22 at 14:16
  • Thanks for the advice! I've read that book about 10 times, haha. It's useful in many ways; but unfortunately doesn't talk much about the specifics behind conversation – Kelsey Sep 27 '22 at 16:02
  • If I said something like "I know you're feeling down and that sucks"

    Then what if the other person says something like "I'm not feeling down, why would you assume that?"

    Like how can I empathetically respond with someone without coming across as assuming how they are feeling?

     – Kelsey Sep 27 '22 at 16:03
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    @Kelsey that was more of an example. If they do not seem in anyway sad, I wouldn't use it. "That sucks" or "that sounds frustrating" is more generally applicable if you can pick up on that feeling. Again, you don't need to understand the feeling to reply. For the non-work examples, are these close friends or a partner? – Nathan Port Sep 27 '22 at 23:49
  • Usually neither, the nonwork examples are usually like with acquaintances or friends (not close friends)

    Yes, that's exactly the challenging part, I can't really pick up on their emotional states easily so I have to ask questions to try to figure it out - but the very process of asking seems to frustrate people sometimes and I'm wondering if there's a better way to ask

     – Kelsey Sep 28 '22 at 14:56
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    I think that with with not-close friends perhaps you need to get comfortable with not knowing exactly why someone is feeling that way. The frustrated responses you get might be because the kinds of questions you're asking are somewhat intimate in nature and usually only reserved for close friends (the exact language of how you ask aside). – Nathan Port Sep 28 '22 at 23:41
  • Ah yeah that makes sense. Kind of ties into another problem - knowing the friendship levels is hard for me sometimes. Sometimes I think someone is a level 4 friend when really they see me as only a level 2 friend but because I can't pick up on cues, I don't realize.

    Good advice though, I'll definitely keep that in mind!

     – Kelsey Sep 30 '22 at 18:33
  • i think the carnegie book was helpful (upvote for mentioning it) , very useful for masking. Bear in mind that it was written a long time ago (gnasher729) and so it may come off as stilted or strange due to the way that its language differs a little from the way we use it now. – bigbadmouse Oct 03 '22 at 12:23