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So I'm in a very loving relationship, and it's wonderful. My SO is giving me all the emotional support I could possibly need, and never had, because everyone in my family including myself are more "thinking" types.

Here's the thing. Sometimes I need the thinking type of support. Specifically, when I'm feeling anxious, and I text him about it, I don't want his love and care, I want to be assured that I'm fine on a more factual basis. (Aka you're not dying, your hands are numb because you are hyperventilating.) I think this extends to other situations too, but this is the most pressing.

How can I explain to him my need for thought-based support in addition to emotional support? In a sentence: I don't want a hug, I want a discussion and a solution!

Anon
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  • Are there any indications your SO might be able to use to tell which mode of support you might be looking for? – Upper_Case Nov 14 '18 at 20:56
  • I would be willing to figure that out, maybe with him. So far, I don't think he's even aware mental support like that is an option. I'd have no problem with telling him what I'm looking for the moment I ask him for help, but first I want to explain to him that there are times where I need that at all~ – Anon Nov 14 '18 at 20:58
  • Can you give an example where you texted him about something that you needed a factual response but he gave you an emotional one? – sf02 Nov 14 '18 at 21:17
  • @sf02 My example would be me writing something like "I'm feeling nauseaus and having a pain in my chest and I'm scared" (it IS anxiety disorder), to which he would respond something like "Oh don't worry my dear, in a couple of days we'll see each other again and then I can spoil you!" To which I would just respond "Yay!" because it is nice and not press it any further, cause he DOES do a lot to support me in that way. Then I turn to some friend for support, who would then tell me the needed "It's okay, you're just stressed out." (cont) – Anon Nov 14 '18 at 21:26
  • so what I want to do would be take him aside at some point and tell him how to handle my anxiety. Let's just focus on that for now. I think I told him "I need to be told that nothing is wrong" before, but I'd like to explain it in a bit more detail. – Anon Nov 14 '18 at 21:28
  • I didn't tell him in the conversation because I feel like in that state I wouldn't be exactly nice, and I DO appreciate his efforts. I'm not mad at him, and I don't blame him for not knowing how to handle this. – Anon Nov 14 '18 at 21:29
  • I was already thinking this would come up :) I am afraid that I would come off as unappreciative of the support he is giving me, or that it feels like I'm calling him out for it. – Anon Nov 14 '18 at 21:41
  • ...I keep forgetting that enter finishes a comment. I'm writing with him right now about an issue, and I've just decided to use a different wording, maybe I can answer my own question here, depending on how it turns out :D – Anon Nov 14 '18 at 21:42
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    You can always go back and edit your comments within 5 minutes of posting them if you've accidentally posted early. Also almost the majority of what you've written in the comments should probably be edited into the question itself since (at least it seems) it's all critical to getting you a good answer. Can you [edit] in the example and why you're worried using a straightforward approach? – scohe001 Nov 14 '18 at 21:44
  • I could, and I will, but first of all, I just handled it myself, and will now self-answer :) – Anon Nov 14 '18 at 22:39

2 Answers2

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So, because the anxiety was rather pressing, and I really really needed help, I figured this out myself.

I solved the thing with a simple change of language.

Instead of asking "Can you help me?" I specifically said "Hey, can you help me troubleshoot this?" And that phrasing was all it took to bring the conversation in the direction that I needed.

People have different definitions of help. Seems obvious to me in hindsight.

Anon
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I don't want a hug, I want a discussion and a solution!

You're looking for what is called a thoughtful deep analysis while weighing the ins and outs, the pros and cons, the alternatives at stack, the good and bad scenarios, the cost-benefits and so forth. With this realistic analysis you can make a better decision and see things more clearly and hence feel better. A hug will not solve it. I know this because I'm this type: the analyzer.

From my experience, being an analyzer, is something that one should really work (hard) for. You need to look at things from a different angle and sometimes with a different lens.

And for the good news:

What helped me become a better analyzer is reading a lot about critical-thinking /Logical-Fallacies. It really shaped the way I'm presenting an argument and managing to convince people. The more I read about it, the better I become at problem solving.

Another way that helped me to improve my analytical skill; you can have a debate where both of you pick a side on a topic (example, gun control in America) and then you alternate. You will be amazed how your/his critical thinking will be improved.

goamn
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ProcolHarum
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