How can I repair a damaged friendship?

Question

I am a 60 year old male working in a school. I mentored a young female teacher for a year and we became very Close although friendship was only ever the agenda as I am happily married. My brother recently died unexpectedly leaving me the sole survivor of my birth family and bordering on depression I found the only person I wanted to be with was my friend who had offered support. I then became possessive and on one occasion wrote a stupid letter professing all sorts love and longing etc. There was never any sexual element to this but it caused my friend to react with horror, cut me off from her phone etc and in effect blank me except when we have to speak about something at work. I am mortified by my behaviour but apologies are met with “I don’t want to talk about” and walking away. I have taken counselling and dealt with my grief issues. Now I would like to rectify the friendship. I am not looking for anything else but at moment I cannot begin to know to repair the damage or even if it is possible.

Answer 1

I believe this answer could be considered a "frame challenge".

You should speak to your counselor about whether or not it would be a good idea for you to recreate your friendship, before you think about how to rectify the friendship. A counselor should be able to help you understand your own motives and give you guidance as to what is appropriate. If you aren't comfortable speaking to your counselor, that in itself is a sign that you shouldn't be contacting your friend.

At this point you need to clarify whether you are truly pursuing friendship, or you are trying to start a romance. If your friend was really upset with what you wrote to her and doesn't want to see you, why are you pursuing contact? A counselor can help you understand for yourself.

And of course one other issue to address with your counselor is your relationship with your wife. That on its own might preclude trying to renew your friendship.

Answer 2

Rectifying friendships that you have broken is very hard work. I've had friendships I've wrecked and repaired, and friendships I've wrecked permanently. Whether this can be saved is really up to her.

The first thing is to give your friend time to heal. You crossed a very thick border, and now that's how she sees you. Any attempt to repair the damage while she sees you that way will only enforce that belief. How much time? I can't say. some people are more forgiving than others. The important thing here is to give her the space she obviously wants and needs, and allow her to indicate to you when she is ready.

The second thing is to recognize how you fouled up. There's no need to prostrate yourself in front of her or do something silly. Engage, however, in a REAL apology. For those who aren't sure what that is, it is:

• Acknowledge what you did
• Take responsibility for your actions
• Acknowledge the damage you did
• State what has changed so it won't happen again
• Shut up

Never, ever, try to apologize for someone else or to lay the blame on something or someone else. Apologize for YOU and what YOU did. I've found that this is well-received and generally accepted.

When you do that, wait a few seconds for a response. Maybe she won't forgive you. Maybe she will. You can't make her do either, so it's just a waiting game. On some occasions, I've said something to the extent of "That's what I had to say. Thank you for your time and listening; I'm going to leave now before I do something else stupid." Then leave, and don't bother her for a while. You can still interact at work, but stay professional and keep your distance. It will be hard, but she needs the space and to no longer see you as a person with something else in mind.

Then never speak of this ever again. Never write her a letter. Never repeat any of the steps that caused this to happen. Take your lumps, learn from it, and don't do this again.

Good luck.