Is having a girlfriend dragging me down?

I am 19 years old and I find myself in a good relationship.

However, I have noticed that ever since I got my girlfriend, I don't wake up before 6 anymore. I don't study 8 hours a day anymore. I don't exercice everyday anymore.

I keep telling myself that she takes up a lot of time that I would otherwise have spent on work.

How can I tell the difference between my own excuses and my girlfriend taking up (too) much time? Is there anything I can do to get back on track without "getting rid of her"?

time-management

Syd Kerckhove

Posted 2014-03-16T16:23:12.927

Reputation: 1 111

3I'd like to see a very general answer to this. There's many possible variations of essentially the same question. It comes from viewing spending time with a gf as fundamentally more important than spending time on another fun activity, but somewhere questioning it. It's different from sleep, which you need and makes you feel much better than without it (and it keeps you alive), because you can't doubt that you need it. With GFs you can question it. – Lodewijk – 2014-03-16T23:42:28.557

4I think the simple answer is that this is productive. You put time into a relationship to produce results. How you weigh those results against others is up to you. – Raystafarian – 2014-03-17T16:22:43.307

Maybe you are an INTP/J personality type. For such people, such scenarios are common. If you haven't figured out your MBTI personality type yet, I suggest you do. – dotslash – 2014-03-18T04:23:03.187

2only time, not money? you got a good deal – Jubbat – 2014-03-18T05:25:37.117

If your girlfriend actually makes your life better, more fun, then you'll live longer. That sounds like more productive in the long run ;) – Kheldar – 2014-03-18T14:46:58.327

The problem with a general answer is that this is really two questions, not one, and one of those questions is, by its nature, intensely personal. Does maintaining his relationship with his girlfriend take up time that might otherwise be spent on productivity? Of course it does: all relationships do. But like all uses of time, there are tradeoffs: he considers the relationship a good one, so he's clearly happy in it, and that is likely helping him along in other areas of life. Is the tradeoff ultimately worthwhile? Only he can decide that. We cannot help him, because we are not in his head. – The Spooniest – 2014-03-18T17:55:34.717

Then be not coy, but use your time, / And while ye may, go marry: / For having lost but once your prime, / You may for ever tarry. – sam – 2014-03-18T20:29:59.040

Men in committed, romantic relationships have lower testosterone - http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/13129483

– alex – 2014-03-18T22:45:26.890

I just figured out my MBTI personality type (even though I find it highly unscientific) Apparently I'm a ESTJ type. Which is precicely the opposite of the INTP/J dotslash suggested. – Syd Kerckhove – 2014-03-19T09:36:19.463

Just ask yourself, why you actually work and exercise so hard. If you just want to be rich and strong to buy yourself a new car every two years and climb the Mt.Everest, your girlfriend is dragging you back. If you build your career & body to become an attractive man to get a wonderful girl and be able to feed your future family, your girlfriend is actually the aim of your life. – leeladam – 2014-03-19T13:24:30.243

1Significant others always cost time / money / sanity to maintain a healthy working relationship. In return you gain happiness, companionship, sounding board, and sanity. (and many other things)

Why do we work? A. we like to? B. Money C. other

We typically use that money to pay our bills, stuff our faces, and spend it on stuff that we enjoy to make us happy.

Now if she makes you happy at the cost of productivity, aren't you cutting out the middle man on the happiness front? So where do the others stand? on a cold heartless logic based mind, she a plus or a minus there? – RualStorge – 2014-03-19T20:59:21.707

I feel there's such an important piece of info missing here, I can't answer because it's protected. Nobody has mentioned Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. If you look at this fairly logical theory you'll see: 1) Self-actualisation is the holy grail of productivity. 2) In order to achieve self-actualisation, you must first satisfy a multitude of other needs. 3) Sex is often considered a basic need. 4) Love and relationships are almost as necessary as sex. 5) Both are necessary to achieve self-actualisation and be as productive as you possibly can be.

– Dom – 2014-03-20T20:16:44.767

Answers

Your approach is quite narrow. You are approaching a NEW situation with the mindset you had in your OLD situation.

"I was spending more time for work before i had my girlfriend"

Instead ask, "What is being with my girlfriend bringing me in regard to work".

See, nothing is one-faceted in life - everything has multiple effects and consequences in different areas of life :

You may be spending less time for work because of your girlfriend now but you may be able to endure work stress easier
You may be spending less time for work because of your girlfriend now, but you may have more inspiration and innovative solutions for the problems
You may be spending less time for work because of your girlfriend now, but it may be benefiting a totally different aspect of your life, which would indirectly benefit your work life.

ALL concepts regarding work must be evaluated in this wide-horizon fashion, INCLUDING time-management.

Work is not something simple and directly proportional to time. Sometimes you put LESS time into work but accomplish MORE.

But, one thing stands high and above ALL this :

Life is not "Work". The activity of 'work', is there to create objects, situations, thoughts and events that will supply the necessities of life to effect/facilitate emotions - two things being interchangeable.

If working and its fruits did not effect any emotions and supply any of your needs, you would not be doing it with any chance in hell.

unity100

Posted 2014-03-16T16:23:12.927

Reputation: 294

1I think a view centering life around emotions is exceedingly hollow and meaningless. Emotions as a goal in life is.. Well, that's why religions have sins. It's short sighted and egocentric to live for emotions. – Lodewijk – 2014-03-22T14:37:37.273

I think he can (rationally?) conclude that there is value in having a girlfriend. The thing is he likes his good habits, including whatever he refers to as "work", too! It's not clear cut what's better, it depends wholly on his view on life and what role she plays in it. – Lodewijk – 2014-03-22T14:39:29.043

1Sorry to speak so aggressively. I mostly want to say girlfriends don't always have value, and if they do it's not infinite by any measure. But romance requires us to act as if it is, and for young people (like him and me) those facts can be hard to unify. I want to say: It's possible she's not worth it. If he feels that way, it's possibly true. Changing his life could help, looking at it differently might too, but it just might not be worth it. – Lodewijk – 2014-03-22T17:39:15.907

Its not a 'view' actually - its the reality of life. Any activity you do, gets done because in the end it effects some kind of emotional state. Even in the case of mental activities, there is accompanying emotions and senses that person cannot do without - solving a puzzle gives a sense of accomplishment. Publishing a research paper gives all kinds of feelings and emotions ranging from having contributed to mankind to having furthered your career. – unity100 – 2014-03-22T22:21:06.820

1About girlfriends having or not having value - it is ALWAYS the RIGHT person that has the value. This does not change for girlfriends, does not change for coworkers, does not change even for your relatives, mother, father : The people who are worth anything, are worth it, and those who are not, are just not. Compatibility and harmony are most important in all kinds of relationships - even with pets.

IF, he has found someone who is compatible enough, he should not be hampering the flow of life by enforcing pre-conditioned mindset and beliefs over the new situation. – unity100 – 2014-03-22T22:23:14.050

1I think now that it's explicitly pointed out it improves the answers. Thank you. We are driven by subconscious processes, not necessarily emotions. It is indeed more accurate to say we are emotional being than it is to say we are rational beings, so I agree more than I disagree. Giving in to these "emotions" instead of manipulating them (yourself, essentially) to do things you rationally want is, I guess, what people call sin. Unrelated! The question was answered! – Lodewijk – 2014-03-22T22:46:19.373

I think it would be wrong to tell that we are emotional than rational or rational then emotional. For see, neither can exist or function without the other. Emotions without rational mind would be an inert chaos of passivity which couldnt move, and rationale without emotion would be a mechanical movement without direction or meaning. Rationale and Emotion must go hand in hand, in cooperation and harmonization. – unity100 – 2014-03-24T21:00:04.713

1Looking at animals you'll see there's little difference between the two on a functional level. We're capable of manipulating this rational/emotional level for our benefit. Celibacy is an oft practiced form of such manipulation. – Lodewijk – 2014-03-24T22:33:58.010

As can be seen from the case of catholic church, celibacy and similar emotional repression practices lead to psychological and mental distortions in other aspects. – unity100 – 2014-03-25T17:52:50.163

Ain't nothin' perfect, so that's true. – Lodewijk – 2014-03-25T21:58:50.870

Relationships take time. How much time is up to you and your girlfriend.

You need to think about where your time goes and what your current priorities are. Maybe you need to discuss having X nights a week to yourself?

Also, look for ways you and your girlfriend can spend time together on some of these things. Is she in college too? If so, can you study together? (not in the sense of high school students pretending to study as an excuse to get together, but actually study together.)

Can you exercise together? Go for a walk or bike ride. Play a sport.

Look for ways to integrate your lives so you don't view her as a time sink.

Jeanne Boyarsky

Posted 2014-03-16T16:23:12.927

Reputation: 7 891

Kind moderator, I would really like to add an answer here but I can't. It's incredibly frustrating considering that I'm already familiar with the SE model. Is there anything apart from searching for a question I can answer and waiting for an upvote that I can do? – Dom – 2014-03-18T19:03:55.210

1@Dominic answering only requires 10 points. You have 101. Maybe you tried before your "linked account bonus" took effect? – Jeanne Boyarsky – 2014-03-19T00:06:28.510

Oh. The question wasn't protected yesterday. Yes, now you do need 10 points on this site. Sorry about that. – Jeanne Boyarsky – 2014-03-19T00:07:23.493

OK, well I left a summarised version of my answer as a comment on the question. Thank you for responding. – Dom – 2014-03-20T20:20:00.070

You are trading work-time for her-time. Only you can decide if it's worth it or not.

It might be possible to frame or "schedule" your relationship, but it might not work for her (or you two).

Lodewijk

Posted 2014-03-16T16:23:12.927

Reputation: 271

3+1 Only you can decide if it's worth it or not. You only have a limited amount of time. If you can't spend the time "jointly" with her (Studying together, exercising together, etc), you have to decide what is worth more to you - or what is the proper balance between the two. – WernerCD – 2014-03-18T13:03:57.647

I was sort of in the same position. I work 7-15 and then I usually go home and work on personal projects or meet friends. But when I got a girlfriend the personal projects didn't get enough time. So I figured that I need to find the time.

What I did is meet her about 2-3 times a week. Usually I meet her about 17 o'clock so that I have about 2 hours of personal projects everyday. Also I set my Sunday as my "holy day". That day is usually only for personal projects.

For friends I usually find time in between everything but they are usually more patient than girlfriends. Also be sure that you girfriend backs you up on the things you do ! That's really important (for me at least)

Here is a link to a good story called 'the professor and the jar'.

Dukes

Posted 2014-03-16T16:23:12.927

Reputation: 151

Very good link, quite an interesting story. – gaborous – 2014-03-17T09:43:18.767

Eventhough it's based on personal experiences, I feel like this is a really good answer +1 – Jean-Paul – 2014-03-17T22:26:48.523

Neither students nor the professor ever heard about fractal dimensions. :) – oakad – 2014-03-18T03:25:53.157

Everything in life takes up time. So do relationships.

You find yourself in a good relationship because you have spent time building it. Think of it the same way when it comes to exercising and such. If you train a lot then you get good muscles, if you over train yourself then you end up a cripple. Relationship is same, if you train it properly then it is good, if not then it is bad. Same will apply to when you have a family. IF you want your kids to adore you and respect you then you will have to spend time with them. The quality of everything in your life, is how much time you spend on it.

So if you love her and you do enjoy time with her, then there is nothing wrong. If you would like to exercise with her, then you can suggest that. Like for example I went running with my girlfriend to exercise. But do not expect too much. Exercise is one thing, and relationship is another, and you can not spend every day exercising together, since that is not how relationships work.

Hope this helps.

Quillion

Posted 2014-03-16T16:23:12.927

Reputation: 138

Your girlfriend isn't dragging you down. Posing the question in this form seems rather thoughtless. You might have asked "Is having a girlfriend dragging me down". And there, the answer is that your priorities have changed. And they should have changed, because you are now in a relationship. If you don't like it, get out of that relationship and end up being successful and lonely.

gnasher729

Posted 2014-03-16T16:23:12.927

Reputation: 31

Well you cant make more hours per day. Those that manage to speend more time with a gf/bf while not taking time from something else are those that share their work time with their partner.

Traditionally humans have lived in close communities where they have worked together, their survival have been dependent on that. You and your partner where both part of the same community and your work where therefore shared.

Families (the primary group) where part of the secondary group (the community), and work was either part of the primary or secondary group agenda. Both in hunter-gatherer times and in farming times work where centered around a common theme: Get food, build protection etc.

Because of this overlap in family time and work time humans where able to do more of both than you do in your situation, and its natural to assume that this have been going on for so long that we have it encoded in our genes, and that our brains are adapted for that way of living no matter if we do live that way or not.

Now in modern society members of primary groups are members of different secondary groups or work independently on different things. Assuming that your brain are hardwired to try to have time with your gf while NOT sacrificing work time, its easy to figure out that it does not add up...

In other words either find projects you can do with your girlfriend, or find a girlfriend that you can do your projects with. Unless you make gf time and work time overlap you will have to sacrifice one.

As a result of this there are plenty of evidence that relationships that start at work are more likely to succeed. Here are one source. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2437181/Relationships-begin-workplace-likely-result-marriage-new-study-reveals.html

If you want the current relationship to last my suggestion are that you find a way to create a common workplace so that you can share that time with her. Or you will grow more and more dissatisfied and eventually end the relationship yourself. That either directly or indirectly by showing an increasing amount of resentment towards her (in other words you will start behaving like an asshole until she leaves you).

user1657170

Posted 2014-03-16T16:23:12.927

Reputation: 11

I'd say it's perfectly normal to spend a lot of time with your girlfriend in the beginning of the relationship, and part of this is that you neglect some of your other interests/hobbies/duties.

You will see the pattern with everyone. My daughter has a new boyfriend, and her grades dropped a little in her studies. Nothing to worry about, as long as it is not a long term development.

If you enjoy the time you spend with your girlfriend, you should not bother too much.

I find it however worrying that you even think about this. Maybe there is something in the relationsship you don't like?

Zane

Posted 2014-03-16T16:23:12.927

Reputation: 101

The study shows - Men in committed, romantic relationships have lower testosterone The testosterone level might be affected your behavior, and training and sleeping habits.

There are many research reports about affect of the testosterone to the male behavior. For example this one:

"Medical research suggests that testosterone has positive effects on mood (thereby reducing the chances of depression), and social science research finds testosterone to be related to antisocial behavior, risk behavior, unemployment and low paying jobs, and being unmarried--factors known to be positively related to depression."

alex

Posted 2014-03-16T16:23:12.927

Reputation: 274

1Please show us a comparison of testosterone test results of when you were with your wife, and of when you were without her for a significant period of time. Or at least a link that shows that whatever activity it is boosts testosterone. – Lodewijk – 2014-03-19T02:12:50.273

@PeterTeoh The referred study showed the difference in testosterone level only for romantic period of relationship. The married men have same level of testosterone as unmarried. – alex – 2014-03-19T02:25:30.883

Sir, these are all statistics. And there is no known biochemical or pathological knowledge of the relationship between testosterone and human behavior - YET. – Peter Teoh – 2014-03-19T07:02:39.910

@PeterTeoh You can find tons of scientific studies just google "testosterone behavior". – alex – 2014-03-20T14:19:57.170